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on 40 Roots

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Forum: Your Saddest Moments
Deathscout
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Yeah. I've been trying to work up to it. It's difficult. Last two years have been spent at college and an internship. Taking time off to improve mental health and earn some money so I don't graduate with truly scary debt.

Thanks, I appreciate the response.
Forum: Your Saddest Moments
Deathscout
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I guess this is necro, but what the hell, I don't think that the two or three people still here will mind over much.

I don't tend to feel emotion when I remember things that happen in my life. I'm disconnected, more or less, from myself. I can feel fresh emotion, and I crave it sometimes, as the world tends to feel gray otherwise. But there's always one memory that can make me hurt when I think about it.

I got depressed in middle school (7 or 8 years ago now). I never told my parents, I still haven't, though I'm meaning to bring it up pretty soon. It made staying motivated so difficult. I always thought that I couldn't be good enough when I tried, so why bother. My grades slipped and I went from accelerated classes to normal ed. Parents were disappointed. Sophomore year was when I was the worst.

I don't even remember what led to the argument, probably me being a lazy little poop, but I was arguing with my dad. And what ended the argument killed me inside. My dad told me that sometimes he wondered where they went wrong with me.

He never elaborated, never returned to that. I've certainly never brought it up. But for someone that already thinks they're messed up, being told, by someone that supposedly loves and nurtures you, that you're messed up is just awful. It gives the depression a voice when I get down.

I guess the second saddest after that is when I come back to places that used to be communities. This place is one of them. It's not the same as the other thing, but seeing places that I used to have friends, that used to be alive dead is weird in a tragic way. A part of me always wants to try and bring life to them, but I realize that it'll never be the same. The me that was a part of that society isn't around anymore, and the same can be said for everyone that was there. And even if I could get the same people to come back, it wouldn't matter. The bonds between us have broken, and they can't ever be brought back.

After that, like you david, is from fiction. I watch Bojack for the pain that it brings, and it doesn't fail to deliver. I actually had to stop watching for a bit at the end of last season because it got too real for me. Plenty of books too, notably the first series I read written by Robin Hobb.

Sorry for the long post, I feel ranty. And it's too late to be awake, but I've not been able to sleep the last few nights.
Huh. Didn't even notice I was swearing. Don't remember the swear filter either. Cleaned it up regardless.
Blog: Ugh
Deathscout
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People can be monsters. Not a single person only has good to them. I mean that in the best way possible. I have bad in me too. It's more a question of what it takes for some people to bring it out, or for it to be brought out. Some people look for any excuse to through it out. To hurt people, to make themselves feel strong, or because they just deal with a lot of excrement other places. For others it takes something to draw it out. Disrespect. General jerkishness. Usually the former group of people can draw out from the latter. It's sad. It's tragic that we can't all be nice. But we can't. Caring about everyone and everything is. . . it isn't healthy. Over the last two years, both my online and my corporeal cliques, my groups have torn themselves apart with people turning into jerks. Trying to dominate instead of lead, and just instigating a huge pissing contest. The first few ones hurt. The online groups just died. The corporeal one won't die, but it's crippled. I hate the guy that used to be one of my oldest friends. I put up with him. Just barely. But I put up with him because of the redeeming people. I respect you for fighting the assholes in the group, trying to mitigate their influence, but that's why they kill you. You care, and you try, and it drains you and drains you and you are left filled with frustration and regret and anger. I respect you for standing up but there's better ways. And learning to ignore jerks makes life a lot easier.
Blog: I am talking about MARDEK!
Deathscout
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I really like both the newest art and the Previous set. I feel like this newer set is more chibi-esque and it makes me somewhat reminiscent of Scott Pilgrim or the Old Teen Titans. However, I feel like the April set seemed more stylized, and that they hit the feel of "character portrait" dead on. Nevertheless, I feel that maybe the chibi-esqueness is a good indication that you're maybe a bit happier? I hope so. Enjoy the holidays, relax, come back happy.
Blog: Gauging Interest
Deathscout
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I haven't really felt like this site's belonged to me since you moved to the new site. I've felt that this site is too sensitive now, that disagreement was forbidden here as a means to give you some sense of what you've been looking for. However, I've always felt that hiding from disagreement isn't a healthy way to live. You must, instead learn how to accept it, to moderate it, to make it so that a disagreement can't tear a group apart. I've seen groups once as tight knit as family torn apart in their first argument, people causing emotional havoc to all those around them because they failed to bring up sensitive topics. I half feel like dividing the people into two groups, one focused on the mind, and the other on the heart, but that isn't quite real. People on one forum would be walking on eggshells to avoid hurting others while people in the other would be disagreeing over the smallest issues.
Argument is an integral part of a group. It causes growth, it provides something interesting, without it, everyone is the same, "mindless ever nodding zombies" (kenji) You wouldn't even really know people in such a group, as they'd censure their thoughts to avoid a fight, and you'd never really see them in every setting. Yet, debate can hurt a group. If you let emotions get the better of you, or you're too tense, and looking for a fight, looking to take anger out on others, or maybe you fail to see that the other person is having such a day, it can kill the group. You can say something intended to hurt instead of to communicate. The other person might simply take something in a way it wasn't intended. Arguments can either be good or bad based on the people involved, and can neither be seen as good nor bad.

Perfect harmony is perfect. No conflict. No growth, no nothing. But it's unrealistic to expect anything to be just as it's imagined. In the "perfect" society, people think ill of each other, and many people never really like each other, they don't trust each other, they really sometimes wonder why they're where they are. They never grow as people, so they feel like somethings missing, their entire life, they always feel like they should be doing something they aren't yearning for a life they can't reach because they don't know how. Perfect harmony is impossible, and the mockery of it that people CAN reach is painful to all involved.

Making either site completely one way is completely unrealistic Psuedo. The difference between the two is, one will be "worse" for the people involved, namely the "sensitive" one, since arguments WILL break out, or people will get frustrated, versus the "mental" one, where things won't be simply arguments, it'll be more like this site was three or four years ago.

So for me? If you did separate the two, I would lean towards the more intellectual site, but I feel that such a plan would ultimately not fulfill what you want it to. I wish you the best of luck in making your choice, and I hope you feel good about your choice afterwards.
Userpage: Deathscout
Deathscout
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∞ This ∞ is a very good article. Good lessons, an well written.
Forum: Where and when would you visit?
Deathscout
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I think I'd visit a group or culture that's often vilanized. Somewhere like Nazi Germany or a fascist Italy, or Russia during Stalin's time. I'd like it even better if I could observe the people that ruled during these times, to see how they got into their mindset. But being able to see the mindset of somebody that is so commonly hated would be unique. It would give a perspective that is lacking. History is written by the victor, and letting the other side's view disappear is a shame.
Forum: Hot or Cold
Deathscout
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Hmm, I managed to hit enter instead of shift. Well I was going to continue and say that for me a warm environment makes it difficult to sleep, and is more difficult to adjust to.
Forum: Hot or Cold
Deathscout
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Alright, so I've been thinking lately. My personal preference seems to be different from most people's. I am warmer at a lower temperature than most people, and I find it more uncomfortable to be as such than to be cool.
Blog: Assertiveness
Deathscout
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I'm not going to say that I'm experienced enough to understand exactly what you feel, nor am I arrogant enough to try. However, if ever I've spoken in an arrogant way to you, I apologize, I try my hardest not to in real life or online, but every once in awhile, worse sides of personalities come out.