. . .

Posts relating to Weekly Updates:

4 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Weekly Updates
I made MARDEK when I was in love... Even Clarence's Big Chance was born from a silly and happy conversation with my girlfriend.
But I'm trying to make Miasmon as my world falls apart around me, and as I lose things that are dear to me, struggle to know where to go from here, and feel constantly lonely and desperate for a feeling of belonging and deep affinity with another person...

That sounds really melodramatic, but it's not like it's inaccurate... I've spent much of my time and energy recently concocting various schemes that might bring me the ultra-specific sorts of close friends that I desire in order to stay happy and sane, rather than working on games as I should. I haven't had any success yet, but maybe one day I will. I spent the last week making something that might help, though I'm not going to talk about it because distancing such projects from this community is important to me in order for them to succeed as I want them to. Or something.

I'm saying all this because I'm aware that I've been spending forever on Miasmon - I mean, I started beta testing months ago, promising that it was almost done, but it feels like I've only taken steps backwards since then - and it makes me more annoyed than anyone. I really wish that I could have finished it forever ago, and that I could work on it now, but it's so hard when I've not really got anything to be happy about, anything to lift my spirits and make me excited to do the things that I love.

I'm largely venting here and I'm not looking for advice (I wish I didn't have to say it, but I'm just being cautious); I've already tried loads of things to find what I'm looking for, but my goal is so narrow, so specific, that my attempts have not yet been fruitful.

I've no idea when I'll make any more progress on Miasmon... but I'll try to soon. I've already 'taken a break' for ages now, and I know that my happiness is more important than pleasing impatient fans, etc, etc, but I want to finish it for my sake; maybe I'll be happy once it's done. It keeps gnawing at my mind, as it is.

Anyway, yes... This is an explanation and venting, not a plea for help or anything like that.

...I'm so Professional and so on!1 o_O

Oh, also, I'm trying to buy a new computer. I've wanted one for months, but I decided to wait until Windows 8 came out first. Also, anyone who tries to cynically tell me how much of a disaster, train-wreck, etc they think Windows 8 is will be banned, then shot. Then banned again. I'm sick of that attitude. There are always people who feel the need to shoot down anything new and different. I don't want to hear about it.

I mention that because hopefully having a new computer will motivate me or something. It'd be nice to have a place to work that doesn't take forever to load things.
4 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Weekly Updates
I suppose I didn't write one of these on Sunday, but I want to mention some things at least...

Every day I seem to wake up to new hurtful comments in my inbox here... Not necessarily intentionally hurtful comments, but comments that objectively criticise me, the things I say, the site... If you don't like the site, then tough. I don't want to hear it. I do like how it looks, and most of you have been commenting about your first impressions anyway, which seem to be usually "it's different so I don't like it". Giving it a week and seeing how you feel about it then is probably better... and it spares me from having to listen to the criticism, too, though I'm also avoiding a lot of it by not even reading many of the comments that I get, out of fear. Yes, I'm too scared to even check my inbox much of the time. Wonderful.

I'd love to say that I've been working on Miasmon recently, but it's very difficult to do that after being effectively beaten down, emotionally, by argument and criticism and all that other fun stuff that I'm often complaining about. I'd hoped that making this site look nicer, brighter, more inviting and so on would make me feel better about it in general, it might actually let me enjoy my own website that I made with love and care for once in I don't know how long, and that in turn might make me feel better about my games. It's only brought me misery so far, though, and my own happiness with how it turned out has been erased by the oh so helpful criticism that I've got... Now I can only see flaws and no longer feel proud of my work at all.

I'm sorry if this seems overly negative and complainy, but I've got basically nothing in my life to be happy about at the moment, and I also have to deal with relentless criticism from so many people. If you're one of the people who felt the great desire to tell me how my site 'sucks' or is 'disappointing' or 'too bright' or a really poor job in whatever other tactless way that you did, and you think I'm overreacting to one bit of criticism, remember that your words were some of many that I was bombarded with. 1 critical comment I could shrug off, 2 would be harder, but then 3, 4, 10, 20...

Anyway, I didn't write this to rant like this, but I suppose that's really all that's on my mind on the moment and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else. Work, play, peace of mind...
Another thing that bothers me about all this is that I can't even vent to get things off my chest - which is a need that I have whenever I'm consumed by emotions - because I have no friends to talk to and whenever I say things like this here, it only leads to people criticising and arguing with me more which is ridiculous and missing the point and continuing the cycle and so on... Some people seem to see expression of distress as a chance to kick someone down further, from the looks of things. Please don't be one of them, I beg of you.
Or maybe they see the need to 'defend themselves', but what's that supposed to achieve? Arguing with and criticising me about disliking people for doing those very things isn't going to make me feel better about anyone.

On another, perhaps more interesting and positive note, I'm thinking of starting a webcomic. I have been wanting to for years, but I've never had any ideas that felt usable. A while ago, though, I started planning a new story for a game, I can't remember why... I liked it, and developed it quite a bit; I have the whole plot planned from beginning to end, all the characters, the setting, etc.
I wanted to make it as a game, but I know that'd be a stupid decision at this point, so I won't. However, I want to make a webcomic because it'll be a great way to improve my art skills (chances are the first pages will be mediocre at best, but I'm hoping that through experience they'll improve considerably), and it might also be nice to have something that I could provide every other day rather than going months without really giving people anything. That bothers me more than anyone, that it takes me so long to finish games, so I do like the idea of being able to provide things more regularly.

I wish I felt better these days, but I don't and it's really affecting everything that I do. I'm in a terrible stage in life... I remember how I used to be so much more passionate and productive, but it's difficult to keep that up these days because I spend too long fantasising about idealised situations, some saviour who'll rescue me from this lonely rut.

Anyway, venting like this makes me feel better. However, suggestions or advice or criticism make me feel worse. Please don't make me feel worse. The worse I feel, the less likely I am to make progress on my games.

By the way, something that has been suggested to me at least half a dozen times now is the idea of adding 'themes' or 'skins' to the site that would allow people to use the old colours. My answer to that is no. It would take a long time to add such at thing, and I don't want to have to edit both whenever I want to update the site. An old, old version of the site DID let people choose various colour schemes for the site as a whole, and I learned from the experience to never try to do it again because of the work involved in adding and maintaining them.
So you'll have to get used to the change... Or leave. Maybe the brighter colours will repel some of the dark creatures that thrived in the dankness of the old version.
5 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Yes, this is one of those Weekly Updates that I write every week without fail, weekly. Indeed.

Anyway, you may be relieved to hear that I'm finally making good progress on Miasmon again!1 Hooray and so on.

I've been wanting to rewrite the plot for a while, and was struggling with it due to general lack of motivation and life distractions... I'd written a new plot idea, but was reluctant to start working on adding it to the actual game until I'd planned every event for all three chapters in detail, which was proving tedious and irritating.
I've only planned chapter 1 at the moment, but I have a vague idea of what will happen in the other two chapters, and I'll write their plots in more detail when I get around to making them.

It is annoying, writing plots for games, because, well, coming up with the 'big picture' is easy, at least for me - something like "you are archaeologists trying to discover what fractured Fracture; your character comes from an off-world colony to join the Daring Delvers; along the way, X and Y happen and your characters learn Z - but the difficulty comes in converting it into little steps, individual events, excuses to go into dungeons, that kind of thing. Choosing the exact words that will be used, choreographing each 'cutscene' thing... It's things like that that delay me.

But I'm getting there now! It shouldn't take all that long, I hope, to reach the end, now, and I'm glad that I did this 'rewrite' because the plot is certainly better off for it.

I've also been adding new monsters to the game in the delay, so that's a good thing too, as it'll give people more to play around with.

On a personal note - which might make some of you "I'm just here for your games" people groan and throw your monitor at the wall - I mentioned going to an art course thing a while ago. Annoyingly, I'm no longer going to that; I dropped out after basically the first class. The reason for this was that I didn't fit in; all the others in the group were middle-aged or older women who had no art skills. So much for finding friends.
At least it'll give me more time for game development. Oh joy.

Now I'm still struggling with loneliness; I just hope that it doesn't get in the way of my game development too much.

(Hmm, I should add a request thing at the bottom of all my posts saying "giving me advice or trying to come up with 'solutions' to my problems is no way to help me"... says I, in anticipation.)

Another thing is that I'm thinking about doing something with Fig Hunter in the coming weeks. Miasmon is my priority now, so I won't be doing it just yet, but this site is toxic to me - something I've made clear before - and that's just not right. The home that I built for myself online shouldn't be a place that I'm scared to visit.

I very much dislike the judgemental, 'thinky', pretentious atmosphere that the place has. Most of it is my own fault; I did include all these systems like orbs, blurbs, FLIGS, etc, in order to encourage positive contributions and discourage negative ones, but they likely scare away the sensitive types that I'm eager to meet while giving the sorts of people I don't like a reason to feel superior to others or to be hurtful, and things like that. It's essentially a system based around 'constructive criticism', which I hate.
I'm also not fond of the dank and dismal 'basement' feeling that the colours here give.

If I were to remake things... I'd probably use brighter shades of the same colours (that is, a brown which is more like aged paper rather than this deep chocolate sort of thing, and purples that match), and I'd get rid of many of the things like orbs, blurbs, FLIGS... and I'd replace them with systems that encourage, but don't discourage. For example, a system like FLIGS, but with only positives, and an option to mark comments as 'abusive', which would serve as the negative version... or something.

I haven't got anything planned in detail, so please don't ask me about things as if I have. At the moment, it's just a vague, wispy desire for change, to make this place more accommodating for my own sensitive, feely nature and others like me.

I imagine that the demographics and general attitude wouldn't change drastically if I were to make these changes since most gamers are young males... but I do know from first-hand experience that two gentle girls that I admire for their personalities have told me that they don't like posting here because of how it feels, how it works, etc, so I do know that the site as it is now is scaring away the sorts of people I'd most like to meet.

I want the site to be a nice place to visit once I've released Miasmon, so maybe I'll try making at least *some* of these changes between now and then. I don't know.

It wouldn't surprise me to hear that some people would be resistant to this, and prefer things the way they are, but what are they going to do, argue with me that this place should be more like they want and less like I want?

I feel like the site as it is represents and appeals to a stage of my life that I've grown out of now... and like I need to change it to really develop further.