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Posts relating to Personal:

5 years ago

Yawn! D:

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: ExcusesPersonal
It's a pain how much sleep affects us! How important getting enough sleep is...

I've been feeling horrible lately... My limbs and eyelids have felt like lead, I keep yawning, losing focus, I can't concentrate, and so on, and it's preventing me from doing the things that I want to do. I've been in poor moods, I keep putting things off, my head aches when I DO try to get around to things...

I've been reading about sleep and its effects on us, and I know now what I can do to fix myself, to feel better. I found some of the things I've read interesting though, so maybe others will benefit from them as well!

Apparently we sleep in cycles... I sort of knew this before, since it's sort of common knowledge, but I wasn't sure about the details.
We go through light sleep, then deep sleep, and finally REM sleep - where we dream - in each cycle. Each type of sleep is important in its own, different ways.

It's best to wake up at the end of a cycle; waking during the deep sleep stage causes us to feel groggy, it takes a while to adapt to the waking world, and we're generally hindered for the rest of the day.

The cycles last around 90 minutes each, and adults such as myself require between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night.
It's best though to get around 7 and a half hours, or 9 (which are both divisible by 90 minutes), but NOT an amount like just 7 or 8 hours, since then you'd end up awakening during the middle of a cycle rather than at the end of one.

I've been getting less than 7 hours of sleep recently, which is probably what's been causing me to have all the signs and symptoms of sleep deprivation... I also rely on an alarm clock to wake up, and repeatedly press the Snooze button because I'm surely being woken up during the deep sleep stage...

Ugh, it's 5pm at the moment, and I feel like I'm falling asleep as I'm writing this... My limbs feel heavy and I feel sort of detached from reality; my mind is in this weird pinkish haze or something; foggy, mildly confused.

What I need to do is pay off my 'sleep debt', to sleep better and just... sleep in for a few days or something like that. It'll take ages though; I want to just be able to press a button to instantly not feel tired anymore!
I'll go to sleep at the same time every day, but just wake up when my body's ready to rather than setting an alarm. That way, I'll eventually end up in a healthy rhythm... I hope.

Anyway, for those curious about this kind of sleep-related stuff, here's an interesting and relatively accessible article about it: ∞ LINK ∞

Do you get enough sleep, people? It might be interesting to hear how many hours of sleep you get each night. Yes, I'd rather hear about that than receive advice I've not asked for, anyway...!
5 years ago

New Year's Resolutions

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
These are my general goals for this year. I've tried to make them realistic, but time will tell how many of them I can manage.
I hope for this to be a year of big changes, though, rather than yet another year in the same old lonely rut...

These are goals relating to games:

Finish Miasmon Part 1, definitely

This is something that I really MUST do, and soon, I hope. I've been working on it for too long as it is, and I really want to see it released.

Finish Miasmon Part 2, ideally

Once part 1 is done, part 2 won't be too difficult since it'll require only relatively minor additions to the already existing engine and content. It should only take a fraction of the time to complete.

Finish Miasmon Part 3, hopefully

Again, part 3 should be fairly quick, but it may still be unrealistic to expect it to be finished this year too.

Finish Miasmon Part 4, maybe?!

It'd be great if I could get all four parts of Miasmon done and released in a single year, but don't get your hopes up. The sponsorship alone for each chapter will probably take up loads of time.

Finish Chamaeleon

This is a game I worked on relatively recently, which is almost done. It just needs a bit more work, but I was working on it with Firequill and emotion-based things came up that prevented us from seeing it through to the end... It would be nice to have it out of the way soon, though.

Decide what to do with 'Marooned'

I also started a text-based game thing recently, which I mentioned in the same blog post that I mentioned Chamaeleon in, but again, I got almost, but not quite, to the point of completion. Maybe I'll release it in some form, either sponsored or not, or at least scrap it and upload what I DID make rather than leaving it in some kind of purgatory for years.

Beast Signer?

This is something that I want to talk about in another post soon. It'll be a big game - probably Beast Signer, though I could also play around with the setting to create something new - where you catch and train monsters, etc, but it could only be played on this site, and would update in parts (like a new monster being added every day, a new area each week, etc) rather than being released when it was finished. It'd be a constantly growing world, rather than a standalone story; sort of like a single-player MMO, I suppose.
It's something I've wanted to do for years, and I feel now I have enough skill to pull it off.

You may notice that I haven't mentioned MARDEK 4... I have been feeling interested in it lately, but I don't want to mention it as a goal because I can't promise that I'll work on it soon. If I have the time and the motivation, I might, but for now it's very much something I'm unsure about.
I mean, I want to get to it eventually, but I'm just not sure when.

These are personal goals:

Decide what to do with my future...

I currently have no real proper job and I live with my parents; my life has direction in that I make games, but my life outside my computer is full of uncertainties.
I've been thinking about whether I'll go to university, though my thoughts are vague and unsure. I hope by the end of the year to have either started with big life changes, or to at least have made plans concerning them.

Overcome my anxiety significantly...

I have 'Social Anxiety Disorder', which is crippling; it's the reason I have no job and live with my parents, since interacting with others or even stepping outside the house is something I really can't do very well at all. It goes beyond 'shyness'; it's a panic-attack-inducing phobia.
I'm doing a cognitive behavioural therapy course thing at the moment to help overcome this anxiety, so I'm hoping to see results. It'd be nice if by the end of the year, I could comfortably go outside without constantly worrying about having a panic attack (and feeling the physical effects of one happening), and to be able to use the phone or buy stuff from shops; things Normal People do without any thought.

Make friends?

I have no friends at the moment, in person, and this leaves me very lonely. It'd be nice to have at least one person to spend real-world time with by the end of the year.
It's not that nobody wants to be my friend; I'm just very picky about who I want to be friends with, since I want people I can really get along with and who I can meet in person and stuff, rather than just friendly people who want to be nice to me, since I'd find such 'friendships' difficult and undesirable due to my aforementioned disorder.
I want to find people I'd want to spend time with, rather than who I'd have to spend time with.

Increase my art skills!

My aim is to fill maybe two sketchbooks. I filled one this year, so I aim to double that.
I'm doing tutorials to learn how to draw the human figure, so I hope to be done with them soon (there are hundreds), and hope by the end of the year to be able to draw humans without too much difficulty or stress.

Learn Japanese!

I've been trying to learn Japanese recently. I've made some progress, and can understand the very basics and read Japanese writing, but I'm not yet knowledgeable enough to have even a basic conversation or read a book in it. I've only been trying for like two or three weeks.
My goal by the end of the year is to be able to play something like Pokemon Green, in Japanese, and to be able to actually understand what's going on as I do so.

Become comfortable on community sites...

At the moment, I am terrified of even looking at sites such as Facebook, or other forums... Again, it's based on my anxiety, but also things like loneliness and general awkwardness; I don't like seeing people being all happy and huggy and chummy with their many friends since I have none, and I worry too much about doing things wrong or not being accepted... I also don't really want to see the real life appearances of 13-year-old boys who friend me on Facebook, through their photos, and I'm scared too of encountering people from my past...
If by the end of the year I could comfortably look at such sites, be active on them (not necessarily Facebook, but any online community, like an anxiety-based forum I joined but am too scared and jealous to be active in or even look at), and so on, then I feel like it would improve my life in a lot of ways.
It won't be easy though...

Be able to look at the art of artists more skilled than myself.

I'm at a stage with my art where I'm quite aware of how much further I have to go before I can draw fluently and impressively. Yes, yes, I know people try to reassure me that my art isn't bad, but even though it's not as bad as can be, I DO have a long way to go before I can achieve what many people on sites like deviantART can.
I'm naturally jealous and self-deprecating, so when I see people drawing better than I can, I feel bad about my own abilities and am put off drawing as a result; I just look at the scribbles I produce when I try, and how poor they are compared to the skilled artists' art, and feel upset and stop drawing... So, I tend to avoid looking at art in general. If I don't see it, it can't make me feel bad!
That's not a good way to be though, and it has been causing problems for me. This is something I'll need to gradually overcome.
So my goal by the end of the year is to be able to look at such art in an inspiring rather than intimidating way; learning from it rather than just becoming envious.

Stick to a timetable!

My productivity is massively increased by ordering my time sensibly, working only at certain hours, etc. I've been doing this recently, and doing it relatively well, but I want it to be very ingrained so that I naturally work by some timetable rather than constantly slipping out of the rhythm of things.

So yes, those are my New Year's Resolutions. Perhaps they're very specific and abnormal, not the typical 'lose weight' or 'be a better person' sorts of things.
I'm hoping and aiming to achieve them all, but even just achieving one or two would be great.
5 years ago

About Advice...

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
I've been meaning to be more open about my progress and stuff, but lately it's been rather difficult for me. I've been really ill, for one thing, and emotionally distressed by real life issues, personal stuff, so I've been neglecting the site and Miasmon, sort of. I'm better now though... Not fully recovered, but better.

I've still actually been working on Miasmon every week day for several hours; it's just that I've been doing less than I'd prefer, though a lot of that is probably because I'm at the point now where all the exciting parts have been done, but many tedious things remain. All the stuff I've been putting off due to lack of desire to do it now needs to be done.

I've been drawing new monster sprites for the game every day, but haven't done any more drawings since the Worker one; I'll try to get back to that soon, now that I'm feeling better...

Well, I say I'm feeling better, and I have been, but at this exact moment I feel sort of sick just by being here at this site, looking through my messages and seeing all the many things that still need to be done, or looking at my profile and seeing recent negative blurbs given for reasons that bother me...

Anyone who gets negative blurbs has to endure them without doing much about it, but since I can, I want to say something about the ones I have got. It's likely that some members who take pride in things like strength and maturity would think less of me for talking/complaining about such things openly at all - just ignore them, I bet they'd say - but they represent views that I've seen aimed at me a lot and I want to explain.

I 'don't let people help me', apparently, or see advice as personal affronts or something like that.

Sometimes I talk about my problems here, since I have no friends and don't really have anywhere else to go. But when I do talk about such things, it's for the sake of getting them off my chest; letting things out in itself is cathartic.

But then people respond by giving advice that I never asked for.

I understand that the people who give the advice do it to try to help, so I know they're not exactly doing anything wrong, but it's hard for me because I end up getting dozens of people all giving me 'advice' which I never asked for, and which I often regard as patronising, especially if it's like some 14-year-old giving me life tips or something like that, or people giving really obvious suggestions with the implication that I'm too dim to have thought of the obvious myself, and needed their wisdom to see the light. Or maybe they just speak as if giving me 'permission' to, say, take a break, as if they personally have that level of authority over me.
I'd never think that they intend to be patronising, or think of what they say that way, but that's how it comes across to me as the recipient.

I'm in a position that a lot of you can't really relate to... You may have friends or relatives around you, who know you, and who offer you occasional advice, even if you didn't ask for it, and you might well receive it with a smile and expect me to do the same. But getting advice from peers is very different to getting advice (which, again, was not asked for) from hordes of strangers who don't really know how you think or what you like.
I mean, it only bothers me because of sheer /volume/; at first, I thought yes, okay, people are just trying to help, but it's got more and more stressful receiving such responses over the years due to repeated exposure; it's left me jaded or something, and I'd bet that anyone would get gradually less and less polite and tolerant of things they never liked in the first place repeated again and again at them...

I don't want to hurt or offend anyone by saying any of this; nobody is doing anything intentionally wrong, and none of you are at fault.I just want to explain why I seem so ungrateful, so aloof and cold, when I'm given advice or when people try to 'help me'.
From the point of view of the person trying to help, me ignoring them or turning them down is a lack of gratitude and civility, arrogance, dismissal, a personal affront. But from my perspective, I'm just feeling swamped and having to think about what to do with yet another 'helping hand' being offered, but I never know what to say so I tend to say nothing...
I'm unable to say polite, Customer Service type replies like 'thank you for your offer/suggestion, I will take it into consideration' because I'd rather be honest or say nothing.

Anyway, when people do offer help or advice, it's often more stressful than useful to me because my mind's so stupid and unusual and broken... People suggest things that work for them, but these things rarely work for me. For example, they might suggest I 'relax with a beer' (I'm a teetotaller), that I 'go and chill out with some friends' (I don't have any), that I 'go for a walk in the park to clear my head' (I have a social anxiety disorder which makes leaving my house a harrowing ordeal, and I know of no parks or anything like that).
If I wanted advice, I'd ask specifically, so then people could give meaningful feedback and they could be genuinely helpful. But when I don't ask for it, I generally don't want it and it adds to my stress rather than relieves it because now I have to worry about letting people down, or I feel frustrated by the thought of people not understanding me...

But what do I want? I just don't know anymore... which makes this whole thing rather ridiculous.
I suppose 'emotional support' is better than unwanted advice, seeing things as a problem or puzzle to solve rather than a human in need of emotional comfort...
There was a forum thread recently which talked about how men and women communicate differently, with women talking to vent and offering emotional support to others, and men talking to solve problems and offering solutions, seeing everything as a puzzle... Men and women both experience frustration when the opposite sex responds undesirably, like a man trying to meddle and brutally ignoring her feelings, or a woman not trying to actually help by solving his problem.
I'm a woman according to that sweeping generalisation; I get frustrated by trying to 'fix' my personal issues despite not even knowing me...
I wish there wasn't such a male majority on this site; maybe then the responses would be more mixed and I'd end up less frustrated, I don't know...

All I'm trying to do here though is explain why I might react the way I do (or not react at all) in response to things like offers of help; I'm not meaning to belittle or tell people off or anything like that. I just don't like people thinking ill of me, and want to increase understanding, to rationalise my behaviour.

Hmm, apparently writing this has been making me feel anxious, and giving me a headache; I can but imagine the response from people who want me to act a certain way and would be angered if I don't behave in that way...

Anyway, maybe I'll get around to doing some work on this site this weekend, though there's no guarantee.