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Posts relating to Personal:

6 years ago


◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
I feel like I'll only regret this again, but something keeps coming to mind...

Weeks ago, when I was learning about the Myers-Briggs system, I looked up my type - INFJ - on several websites and read all kinds of descriptions that for the most part did fit with how I am. There were some weird details here and there which seemed too specific, but the overall bigger picture that they painted generally seemed to fit with how I am.

Of interest was a list of traits that I found on some site (I can't remember where), which I'll quote in their unformatted inelegance:
creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant, fears drawing attention to self, anxious, cautious, somewhat easily frightened, easily offended, private, easily hurt, socially uncomfortable, emotionally moody, does not like to be looked at, fearful, perfectionist, can sabotage self, can be wounded at the core, values solitude, guarded, does not like crowds, organized, second guesses self, more likely to support marijuana legalization, focuses on peoples hidden motives, prone to crying, not competitive, prone to feelings of loneliness, not spontaneous, prone to sadness, longs for a stabilizing relationship, fears rejection in relationships, frequently worried, can feel victimized, prone to intimidation, lower energy, strict with self

Apart from the really weird one about marijuana legalisation (which I would have thought was a political rather than personality thing), and some others like 'guarded', the overall picture painted by these traits does describe how I am.
And I like being this way. I do not desire to change drastically, and would probably struggle and feel unnatural if I tried anyway.
(Please keep in mind that I only learned about the MBTI thing weeks ago; it's not like I've been aspiring to these kinds of descriptions for years or anything.)

People have been telling me that I use these things to 'excuse' my behaviour, but what does that actually mean? Do they see traits that I have which aren't like their own, or which they don't personally admire, and think that unless I alter myself to be more like them, I'm just not trying?
Is an introvert who says he doesn't really want to go to a party because he's introverted using that as an 'excuse' to not even 'try'?
Is a person with a broken leg refusing to run a marathon using that as an 'excuse'?
What's the difference between an 'excuse' and a 'reason'?

There's not One True Path that we should all follow, one Ideal Personality that we should all aspire to... Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I don't want to be some tough, 'mature' extroverted type. I am aware that I have anxiety issues that I'm working on because they're less like personality traits and more like a hindering disorder, but other things like my sensitivity are not traits that I have any desire to change because the Ideal Personality to me would be sensitive, introverted, etc.

It's been really bothering me how certain kinds of people have been repeatedly telling me that I use personality types to 'excuse' my not aiming for the same ideal personality that they are.

Also, I hate arguing. I hate it. I hate conflict, and I do not 'grow' through argument. I don't enjoy it, and I don't find it stimulating. It makes me feel physically ill. But of course that's not going to stop people who see conflict as a way of coming to some kind of understanding from arguing with me anyway...

I have expressed distaste for 'Thinky' people... Here's something else from a website:
Thinking Characteristics

- Instinctively search for facts and logic in a decision situation.

- Naturally notices tasks and work to be accomplished.

- Easily able to provide an objective and critical analysis.

- Accept conflict as a natural, normal part of relationships with people.

Feeling Characteristics

- Instinctively employ personal feelings and impact on people in decision situations

- Naturally sensitive to people needs and reactions.

- Naturally seek consensus and popular opinions.

- Unsettled by conflict; have almost a toxic reaction to disharmony.

Can you see how there is dissonance between me and such people? I'm not any 'better' than them, but the approach that comes naturally to them causes me harm and doesn't even achieve anything since I don't operate on that level.

Now, I suppose I should brace myself from the gut punches from people who've essentially ignored everything that I've said here... I'm not quite sure why I keep running into the road, only to be hit by cars every time. Or some silly metaphor or analogy or whatever like that.
6 years ago

Oh, forget it...

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: PersonalRanting
I'm not going to write any personal posts for a while. They're just not worth the emotional distress that they cause me due to the inevitable criticism and arguing. I reach out in desperation, and all it does is make me feel worse. I spread my arms to reveal open vulnerability, and get punched in the gut.
Thanks, Fig Hunter, for reminding me how much fun it is to be here, and to be alive.

I'll just try to focus on my stupid games, if I actually can through the emotional longing and dissatisfaction...

By the way, I don't think that I can stand to read the long essay-like comments that male people wrote on the last post. I imagine they're just telling me how I'm wrong or whatever anyway, so it's not worth the frustration, being chided at length by people whose opinions I specifically asked not to receive.
6 years ago


◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: PersonalRanting
I have not worked on Miasmon this week, largely due to emotional distress preventing me from writing a new version of the plot, which is what I need to do next. I'd hope that having this week long 'break' will energise me for next week, but even if it doesn't, I'll try and get something done through the mental constipation anyway since I can't afford to delay anymore. It's been taking long enough as it is.

I want to spend the rest of this post talking about another personal matter though. Again, it's something that those of you who know me on some level are probably already familiar with, but many readers might not be.

I have never really had female friends... but this isn't by choice or desire. When I was in school, all my friends were male, because those just happened to be the groups I ended up in. I never sought out friends, and instead was always assimilated into groups... Well, I say 'always', but it only happened twice in my whole life. Once in school in the UK, then again in Australia.
Both of these groups were small, close-knit and nerdy; I suppose we were the kinds of people that the more popular students didn't want anything to do with. I didn't have any acquaintances outside this group, and never knew that life of parties and dating and other social gatherings that a lot of people seem to experience in their teens. The other guys in my group never had girlfriends until the end of school either.

I never felt at ease in these groups... Due to what I now realise is my INFJ nature, I felt like I was on a different wavelength to these most likely Thinky males, who were into technical analysis, mathematics, First Person Shooters and general misogynistic machismo (including rating passing girls out of 10 based on their looks, and making comments about how putting a bag over a girl's ugly face while having sex with her sexy body would be a funny and okay thing to do, ugh).
I was quiet but opinionated, and spent much of my time longing for love. Not lust; love... I craved a deep bond with a person of the fairer sex, I strongly desired to find a gentle confidant who'd support me and who I could support in turn. The idea of spending all our time together, just me and her, was a constant fantasy in my mind. I dreamed of someone clingy, who I'd cling to too.

I had zero confidence though and never spoke to any girls. The only interaction I had with female peers was when some would patronisingly ask me what I 'thought of Australia', since I was the resident foreigner and for some reason they cared about that kind of thing, or were trying to be polite in what sounded like they were talking to a retard or a child rather than an equal.

Instead, I found myself eyeing girls from afar... Not in a 'lookit dat ass on dat one, unf' kind of way, or anything. Instead, during my whole time at school, I fancied three girls - not all at the same time! - and would go to school hoping I'd just get a fleeting glance at them, or that some kind of situation would come up where we'd get to talk without me having to actually make a move (though I think that the idea of 'making a move' didn't even occur to me).
I enjoyed seeing them, in a wistful kind of way, but interestingly, I don't remember what their bodies looked like; we all had to wear fairly frumpy uniforms (which I actually enjoyed because it meant there were no fashion trends and people wouldn't judge others on how they dressed), so it's not like I was ogling their curves in a sexual kind of way. It was more the way that they held themselves, the way they moved, their general quietness and stuff like that... They were pale and shy and I liked that because I felt I could relate to it.

Often I think that if I could change back time, I'd love to at least talk to one of them even once... But no, all of school passed and I never exchanged a word with any of them.
It's pathetic, really, as I'm sure some lout will eagerly point out in the comments in the forceful kind of way that I complained about last time.

I didn't even want a girlfriend, necessarily. While that would have been wonderful, mainly I just wanted to talk and bond with Feely, emotional, gentle people rather than Thinky, competitive, argumentative males... I admired typical female traits and still do, while I find male traits like 'strength' and 'power' and aggression, competition, bragging, boasting, fighting, misogyny, chauvinism, etc, etc to be repugnant.

I am one of those typical Nice Guys though... Whenever I see stereotyped behaviour portrayed in the media, where some guy's wife is nagging him for watching The Game and not paying attention to her, while he complains to The Guys about how his wife FORCED him to sit through a Romance Movie with her, I think 'ugh, if I were with a girl, I'd enjoy bonding with her on an emotional level and would have no interest at all in these typical manly hobbies that seem to so annoy these stereotyped female characters'...
Usually though, it seems that girls go for guys like that anyway rather than the hapless Nice Guys, but I could rant about that bitterly forever and won't do so here.

I've said far more about this than I originally intended to, but the point I was meaning to get to is... I have no friends at the moment, but I've had male friends all my life... I don't want male friends at the moment; I talk to guys enough here to fill that need. I mean, I appreciate that guys do offer to get to know me on a more personal level... but I just don't have the social energy to spend on such relationships at this time, and they wouldn't be satisfying a specific need that I have. When I crave chocolate and am offered cheese, my desire is not sated.
However, I would like to find female friends... but I never go anywhere and I spend all my time online, mainly on this site, and they are a rare animal here.

This site probably has a very masculine atmosphere. It's surely mostly my fault, with the rules that I've set up, and the dingy 'basement' feel of the colours that probably feels uninviting to girls.
The fact that mostly males play Flash games is surely the MAIN factor, but I've been told by some girls before that this environment scares them away, partly because of the attitudes, but also because of the fact that most people here are male, and they wouldn't fit in.
This really bothers me, because things about the site that I already dislike are also scaring away an audience that I really wish that I could be more welcoming to...

I'd like to eventually make a game with a female protagonist, a game that isn't all masculine like most games are... My main worry would be that I lack the experience with girls to understand them well enough to write such a story from a female perspective... but anyway, I digress!

I wonder how many girls read the posts on this site but don't make accounts. That's the main thing that I wrote this post to wonder aloud about. I wonder how many shy, nerdy girls - the exact sort I wish I could meet - secretly and quietly keep track of my progress and eagerly await my games, or even find my personality interesting...
I'm probably deluding myself into thinking that there are any at all, but I suppose I'm just so lonely.

I wish that the 'fame' that I've managed to acquire by making games could draw to me the sort of attention that I crave... but it doesn't. I don't recall having any 'fangirls' at all. Oh well. Plenty of young fanboys though. What joy.

I wonder if any of those hiding girls would make accounts just to say something here?

Even if they wouldn't, something that I'm curious about is what the females who DO have accounts here think of this site's overall feeling, about their place in it, and things like that. I am really curious about this... and would love it if you'd be open about your feelings; you could PM me if you're scared of saying things out loud for everyone to read and judge.
I'd even be interested in hearing if there could be any changes that would make this site more inviting and appealing to you... BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE FEMALE. I do NOT want to hear guys suggesting things that they think girls would like.

I repeat, I do NOT want to hear guys suggesting things that they think girls would like. I only want to hear from girls themselves on the matter, since their thoughts and views are more important to me here.

Some of you may have been reading this post and wondering where M  Firequill comes into play in all this... I'll just say that I really don't want to talk about that right now, but that I am lonely. Please don't bring it up. 'It's complicated'.

Anyway, yes, I'm very, very curious to hear what any female human beings who view this site think of it... and whether they feel comfortable here.

...I'm not interested though in hearing teenage boys telling me that there are 'no girls on the internet' and the kind of obvious reasons why there are no girls here.
Also, "I have tons of female friends, and they're not all that great" kinds of comments are as much of a joy to read as it would be for a beggar to hear a prince complaining about the tardiness of his servants, or a starving man hearing someone complain that his massive meal tasted a bit funny.

Hmm, another thing... I myself would never dare to approach someone that I admired... Even other games developers who I liked would seem so out of reach to me, like I'd never be able to compare to them, or I'd only be a bother by intruding into their lives. They must get loads of interesting people contacting them all the time anyway; I'd just be another raindrop in the storm, so it's best to avoid it entirely and watch from afar...

I imagine that the sort of girls I'd be most interested in getting to know would feel like that about me, would keep their distance so as not to be a bother or because they feel they were not worth my attention or something. I like people like that, moreso than those who brag and boast and barge their way in, demanding attention because they feel they're amazing.

So if you feel like that and can relate to the things I say in this blog, then, well, I know how it is! And I am actually interested in hearing from you.