In Ten Words...
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About MeI am your typical college student majoring in one of the natural sciences. I like long periods of solitude, enjoy spending time in the lab, and occasionally make plans for world domination. On the other hand, I feel a deep compassion for all living things that astounds me sometimes, and has motivated me to spend my life working to find cures for cancer. So yes, manipulating viruses to insert specific DNA sequences in people could theoretically be used to create mind controlled automatons; it could also be used to cure all manner of diseases.
I would describe my personality as dysphoric. I don't mean to imply that I have multiple personalities, just that how I interact with the world around me changes wildly. One day, I can look at a tree and marvel at the beauty of life and how amazing it is that life exists at all, and the next day the same tree will fill me with an intense emptiness: in the end, the tree was meaningless.
I have spent a lot of my life trying to reconcile my inner turmoil. In fact, the only part of me that seems to remain stable is that I have crippling and uncontrollable panic attacks. So I spend a lot of time meditating on my feelings, and emotions, and my anxiety. I believe that my meditation has brought me closer to my feely side, and as a result, my personality is not only dysphoric, but also balanced. If that makes any sense at all, then I have no clue whatsoever.
As far as my social life goes, I prefer to spend time with "nerdier" people (although I personally have no interest in any pop culture). Things like memes and YouTube and Facebook are uninteresting to me. If you have the unfortunate experience of spending to much time with me, then you might get me to start a political rant although I'd rather keep things like politics and religion out of my discussions.
Something that has been bothering me lately is my recent discovery of my own asexuality. Up until about a year ago I assumed that I was a boring heterosexual caucasian male. After being in college for a month or two, I started to realize how little I was interested in sex (it's something that comes up too much for my taste in dorms full of jockish guys). I suppose what confused me was that I still was looking for a deep emotional connection with a female. So I discovered that relationships are hard if one person is expecting sex and I'm all like "let's cuddle". I don't really know why I felt like including this paragraph, it's just something that's really been on my mind a lot. I didn't even start dating until college. Apparently, I all of a sudden become attractive when every other guy at my college is even more reclusive than me? I have no clue. I've never been to a party in my life. And it hurts when I look in a mirror. Anyway, the resolution of this paragraph is that I found someone who is even more asexual (is that even possible?) than me who was already my friend, so we formed an emotional connection really quickly and I'm very happy with her.
I have spent most of my life dealing with panic disorder. I was diagnosed when i was about 10 years old actually, and my panic attacks usually had me bursting into tears until I was 15. So I got a bit of a reputation as a cry baby in grade school, and I felt such a deep shame about it that I probably developed depression too, maybe. I'm not on any medication though, for which I'm glad. For one, I have suicidal thoughts a lot of the time, so I would be concerned about what would happen if I did take medication, and I'd rather sort out my thoughts and feelings to deal with them myself; I don't think that medicating mood or anxiety disorders is a bad thing though; it's just something I'd rather not do myself. I've already talked about my meditation before, but it is really important to who I am, so I feel like talking about it again. Meditation has been my outlet for a long time now (since I was 15 actually) and it makes me feel so much more centered than I used to be. I don't particularly like, or want to share my personal feelings with friends or family, so I find myself keeping everyone at arms length, which makes it difficult to make friends in the first place.
Anyway, I feel like I must have rambled on about unimportant things for a long time. I have been following fighunter and Pseudolonewolf for three or for years now, and only just decided to make this account now. I was brought here by Mardek (like most people here) and have discovered and followed his blog ever since. I guess I was a little intimidated by everything and the thought of actually making an account gave me panic attacks, but I managed to do it anyway (yay me!) and maybe I'll contribute something, but I'll probably just wind up lurking. I could join the introvert site, but I would probably wind up lurking on that too.
So that's definitely enough about me. If you actually read all of this, I'm impressed. You should totally send me a PM or friend me or something to let me know that you actually read all of this.
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