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Pseudolonewolf
5 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: ExcusesWeekly Updates
Sorry, I forgot to write one of these last week since apparently I'm going through some kind of significant life crisis at the moment. It's all very emotional and I feel lost, lonely, and scared. I don't know what to do with my life and worry that I won't have anyone to share it with, whatever I do. I'm currently trying to improve myself in various ways in order to try to get out of a huge hole that I've dug myself into. It's difficult.

Unfortunately, it's hard to work on games when you're constantly scared and anxious, so I've been doing less than usual on them over these last two or three weeks, spending my time doing things of more immediate importance to me instead.

I have been doing *some* things on Miasmon, and there isn't much left now, but I have no idea how long it'll take to complete... I just want to get it over with, so maybe next week I'll try and get to a beta testing stage regardless of how I feel. I suppose I can start the testing phase before the game's actually finished, and hopefully it'd motivate me to add the finishing touches.

I'm sorry to keep disappointing, but I do have a life outside making games - feeble though it is - and sometimes it does take priority.
35 Comments

on 21 Roots

35 Comments

Dr D
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Dr D 20 Canada SanguineMelancholic ENTJ 388 71C
There's no let down No dissapointment. Life is one a big picture. You should stop putting your self down. (Not saying that you are) Instead think about your well earned success. "Write curses in sand, and blessings in stone." What you have already accomplished is gold and, there's no pressure in making the next game right away.
Mardek 3 was HUGE! It drew so much attention and fame with about 70-80 hours of game play. So what if it took longer than you might have thought it would. It was well worth the wait, still created and released AND PEOPLE LOVED IT! It was fun exciting like a sprinkler in summer. It's not about the timing it's about the product. Remember Rome wasn't built in one day. So take a break a breather. After a little victory relax and only get back to it when you feel like it and when your life isn't so hectic, that way you can take care of yourself. Your fans will wait, but life will not.

Not to tell you how to live your life, I just want to make sure that your alright. :)
Seppy
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Seppy 26 United States SanguinePhlegmatic ESFP 48C
Quote: ''I'm sorry to keep disappointing'' You're not disappointing any of us, you're doing what you do best. You work hard to show us your awesome games, you're not alone. You got Firequill and your fans (Everyone here) Just wanted to tell you that!
Sharramon
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Hey Pseudo... wow there's nothing to say O.o
'Reach out' would be the advice but great lot of help that'll do. Hope you'll find a good friend, not having someone to confide in really not fun.
Just be careful not to shut yourself in your thoughts too much. It's too easy to get bogged down in there.
pedrofrancab
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Hey there Pseudo. Be strong, man! Life is a always onward experience! I'm sure you can make through that. If you need to talk, you can send me an email, so I can share info on a instant messenger or such.
Pseudolonewolf
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The reason that I'm lonely isn't because nobody offers to talk to me; it's because all the people who offer seem to be male, and I'm more interested in talking to females at this point in time. Especially people who live within a reasonable distance of me.
I have no shortage of people to talk to online, but it's not the same as being able to go out with people in the real world.
Lyle
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True, it has been a fair while since Miasmon was announced. Let's look at the timeline:

23FEB2011: MAJOR RELEASE: Clarence's Big Chance
03APR2011: Miasmon announced "Pokemon Clone" "This one shouldn't take too long to get to the point where I can release it, especially since my motivation for it is driven by years of desire to make my very own Pokemon game"
11APR2011: Miasmon "Progress is going quickly and it's rather satisfying." "I've drawn sprites for only 12 monsters so far, but that only took like two days in total - six a day"
18APR2011: "Mainly just done work on field tiles" "I'm hoping that in a week or two I'll have all the engine stuff working" "I'm hoping to be finished with 'Chapter 1' in a month or two"
25APR2011: "I've done most of the main engine stuff now" "I'd hope to have the bulk of the work done in less than a month."
01MAY2011: "I'm trying to decide on a name for it now, actually. I was thinking 'Miasmon'" "I've got to the point now though where I'm making plot-related events"
09MAY2011: "I've spent much of the week though designing a title screen and trying to compose some music for the game."
16MAY2011: "Still working on Miasmon, and making progress, etc, etc. I've started doing music and sound effects"
19JUN2011: "Since people kept complaining about the new 'sunset' sort of colours, saying that they looked 'dead' and such, I've decided to just change them back to generic greens and blues and other Earth-like colours." "Most of the monsters, music, etc still need doing, but once I get back, I'll probably be able to work through such things relatively quickly."
02JUL2011: "It's mostly done now....I can hopefully finish it in maybe a month or two."
10JUL2011: "Mainly I've just been doing sprites for the monsters...I've done the sprites and designs for about 42 of them"
17JUL2011: "Good progress on it this week, though most of the stuff I've done is technical and uninteresting." "I'm not entirely sure how long it'll take to finish, but it's getting close now."
24JUL2011: "Progress seems slower than I'd like... I mean, I'm getting a lot of work done, but it just seems like there's more than I anticipated, or really 'simple' tasks end up taking several times longer than I thought they might."
07AUG2011: "I've basically decided on the plot now, but I need to write the script still."
14AUG2011: "I'm taking a brief break from Miasmon for the moment"
...
OCT2011: "I felt compelled to go back to Miasmon, but felt so sick of it that I wasn't making any progress at all. I thought it best to use my time on something else"
...
DEC2011: "I've been slowly getting back to work on Miasmon this week....It's so hard to get back into something you've not touched for weeks or months, though, or however long it's been. I don't really feel familiar with it, I've forgotten what I was doing, etc."
DEC2011: "I've been making areas." "I have now composed three pieces of music for Miasmon"
DEC2011: "I finished the Main Theme on Friday after a sudden epiphany about how I could approach it, then yesterday I managed to do a further three pieces. There are only two left now for this chapter" "Once the music's done, there's still quite a lot left to do... but it seems to pale in comparison, and I'll be far more motivated to get around to it if the game has music in it."
JAN2012: "I managed to get something done which I've been putting off for a while, which is the 'particle effects'..."
JAN2012: "I've been doing a lot of work on Miasmon this week, and I think I'm nearing the point where I can finally do beta testing. I still need to do two or three pieces of music and some jingles for things like a victory fanfare, a few monster sprites, ALL the human trainer sprites (the in-battle ones, I mean), most of the particle effects and the sound effects to go with them, some menus (like a map, renaming your monsters, a shop), and a bunch of events, including the intro, which I've written but not added to the game yet."
JAN2012: "I've been drawing various types of concept art for Miasmon lately"
FEB2012: "I'm hoping that they game might be ready for beta testing in, uh... let's say 'less than a month'"
FEB2012: "There's still a lot to do though. I need to do quite a bit of art, still; like a dozen monster sprites, and as many *human* trainer sprites."
...
...
MAY2012: "I suppose I've been feeling like I'm not sure of the direction it's going in for a long while now, which is why progress has been so slow....So, I've rewritten some parts of it."
MAY2012: "I'm working on Miasmon at the moment. Around 30 monsters still need artwork" "I've no idea how much longer it'll take, but hopefully not long"
JUN2012: "I've been working on Miasmon for much longer than I ever intended to; probably more than a year now. It's irritating. But I'm sticking with it, even though at times it pains me to do so. I'm trying to take breaks and fill time with other distractions to prevent myself from hating it completely, but progress really has ground down almost to a halt lately because it's so hard to be enthusiastic about something you've worked on for so long."
PRESENT: "I have been doing *some* things on Miasmon, and there isn't much left now, but I have no idea how long it'll take to complete..."
Pseudolonewolf
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I don't see what the point of this was other than to make me feel worse about letting people down over and over again. Rubbing my broken promises and unreliability in my face.

These times always seem realistic in my mind, but I never take emotions, life events, waning motivation, or lack of inspiration into account.
When I've said 'a month', it would have been possible, if I'd worked seriously on the game for several hours every day, but I often can't. Currently there's probably only less than a week left of work to do, but finding the motivation to do it is taking longer.
It's been 'almost done' for the better part of a year; most of the major work was done in two or three weeks right at the start, and at the end of that, I had essentially a working game. Adding content has been taking time, especially considering revisions to the plot and mechanics. These revisions always increased the amount of work left to do, but I'm hoping they'll have made the final product much better than it would have been otherwise.
The original plot for MARDEK 3 didn't even include Clavis, for example, and it was a revision that added him to the plot... but the game would have been much worse without that aspect.

It bothers me more than anyone that I don't get these things done as quickly as I'd like.
Lyle
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It's sometimes fascinating to take a step back and see a series of minor decisions and day-to-day activities as part of an over-arching series of events.

For me, the heartbreaking part is the turning point where Miasmon devolves from an enthusiastic labour of love into some sort of soul-crushing mind-numbing tedium of work. Somewhere along the way the passion drained out of the project.
DeNovo
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M β DeNovo 30 United States MelancholicSanguine INTP 5w4 69C
I don't think anyone is here to deny that it's hard for us to really know what state Miasmon is, and how that relates to its time of eventual release. At the same time, what you've done here, without any additional commentary or words of support, reads almost like you're prosecuting him in court. While it may seem interesting or even fascinating for you to do this kind of analysis, I would hope that you might keep this sort of analysis for after the release, going forward, rather than risking discouragement. Even when someone is trying to be factual and objective, that kind of detachment can feel uncaring and judgmental instead of sympathetic... Perhaps it would have been better if you had noticed this, maybe discussed it with others, but instead of posting it here, gave him some words of encouragement instead?
Super Pon3beat
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Psuedo we have other things to do too. Try not to occupy yourself with our needs and focus on your own.
Oh and just a thought, if you live in a very cloudy and rainy area, I suggest Vitamin D. It's usually created in your body to make you "happy" so to say but without enough sunlight you can't produce it. Good luck an' all! Vinyl out
Pseudolonewolf
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I was focusing on my own, which is why I didn't make any progress on Miasmon.
I already knew about the vitamin D thing, but I'm unhappy because I don't have any friends, I'm getting older every day, and my life is a mess, not because I'm not getting enough sunlight. I have no conscious reason to be happy at the moment, but I'm not chemically depressed.
Super Pon3beat
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Well i'd like to suggest one last thing. First, it may seem like you're getting too old, but you're really not that old. Second, even though you self taught yourself to do all these programs, why don't you try going to a school? Like, just to say, ITT Tech? A school is always the best way to improve your social life and it gives you the opportunity to learn something new. What you need to do is try something new in a relaxed environment with other people you will soon trust. Then you can pass your depressing barrier.
Pseudolonewolf
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I'm not looking for advice. I know what to do with my life, but achieving it is a different matter. I'm already thinking about going to some kind of university to do digital art, but I currently have severe anxiety issues that make it impossible. I am trying to overcome them.
zeo
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zeo 23 Canada SanguinePhlegmatic INFJ 66C
well Pseudolonewolf, we all know you are trying your best, but when it comes down to it you should try to take priority. your feelings should come first and you should try to get the rest you need. I don't want to sound pushy or anything but I also don't want you to get hurt. But sadly you can not go through life without getting hurt sometimes. As a wise man once said to me; "when you know people you risk the chance of getting hurt or you hurting them, but when you understand that your hurt makes you grow as a person you are better for it." Everyone has bad experiences that make them grow, It just is hard to get through and that is when you need those people in your life who care for you. so take a day to spend time with those people, parents,siblings or significant other's and feel the love that they have for you. that's all I can really say.
I hope you feel better soon
~zeo
Pseudolonewolf
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I don't have any people in my life that I'm able to feel happy around, and this is why I am lonely. Not everyone is so fortunate as to have others. I have been looking for months without success.

A lot of people seem to think that just because I said sorry for not making progress that I'm not putting my own feelings first... I am though, which is why I've not made any progress.
It was a 'sorry, I have had more important things to do, so I'll have to disappoint you again' rather than 'sorry, I will now flagellate myself for letting you all down'.
GamingPC
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Well thats bad to hear... Do what you can to get better.
neomatt1395
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I read some of the comments and i am glad to hear that you are feeling better in general. I think i speak on behalf of everyone when i say get your stuff together and take as long as YOU need i dont think this is advice as much as letting you know we care about you as a person not just as "some guy who makes us games". So we enjoy when you make personal progress that doesnt involve games.
fieldmarker
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I wish you all luck in existence Pseudo. Just make that game or my selfish self-centered ego will be disappointed!