Blog Post

33
Pseudolonewolf
4 years ago

Ugh

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
It's disturbing how the warped minds of some people work...

Apparently, even achieving a little bit of 'fame' draws all kinds of nutjobs and psychos towards you, the sorts of horrid people who darken and shatter the lives of everyone that they come across, each one permanently chipping away a part of your innocence, your motivation, your happiness... I say 'your', but of course I mean 'my'; I don't know if this same gradual destruction happens to anyone else.

Imagine, if you can, what that's like... Have you ever been bullied? Trolled? If you have, was it easy to run away? If it happened online, maybe you could just leave. Maybe it was only one person, or a couple, who targeted you in that way. Maybe you've never been the target of anything like that at all (lucky you).

Imagine though that you had a home on the internet... Your Facebook page, say, or website, or some equivalent. Let's say you've been running it for years. And for all those years, each month, a new troll shows up. They're not blatantly obvious; they don't spam your page with outright abuse and nonsense, making it easy to ban them at a glance. No, instead, they just show up and criticise and question everything you ever say. Let's say you write a post about, uh... what do the kids write about on their face books...? I don't know. Let's say that you found something you like and you want to show that off. Maybe it gets a reply from someone you like, saying that they like it too and such. But then this new person, this subtle troll, replies to say something along the lines of "it looks like you think you're saying you're better than everyone else for liking this", or "why would you like something like this?", or something like that. It's not necessarily direct abuse, but it's critical and questioning and unlikely to be pleasant to hear.

Perhaps you'd shrug it off the first time. Then the first few times. Then time might go on, and you keep getting these same critical, questioning comments from this same person on anything that you write. It gets difficult to write anything at all, because you just know they'll reply. They always do.
Maybe then you actually ban them, to be rid of them at last. It might make you feel bad, because they weren't being directly abusive as such; they merely had an abrasive personality. Is "I don't like him" reason enough to block him from your life forever? Not that it is forever, of course; soon he's back, with a different face, a different name, more angry than ever that you DARED to do such a thing to him. Now he's vengeful, and makes an effort to hack around in the innards of your site, or your page, looking back to things you'd written and forgotten, dragging them up for others to see in order to make you seem worse. Painful. This goes on and on.

Maybe eventually he gets bored, or you manage to do something that finally gets rid of him for good (though the former is the only likely thing, since it seems to be impossible to truly get rid of such people; they always find a way around). Maybe you breathe a sigh of relief... though the experience has left its scars.

Then the next month arrives, and with it, another person, not the same one, but oh so very similar. Critical. Questioning. Snooping. A thorn in your side, a snarky voice that shoots down all that you have to say. The cycle continues.

How many months of this would you be able to endure before you were broken? Before the place you used to enjoy became unbearable? Is this something that you can imagine?

I know that many of you do already get this... You know where I'm coming from when I talk about Fig Hunter being painful for me, and how I need an escape. You even understand that when I talk about the site as a whole being toxic, etc, I'm referring to THESE kinds of people, these experiences, that have ruined the whole place for me. I thank you for being so understanding.

But of course there are always those who aren't so understanding. The very ones who broke me in the first place, who made this place, my home online, which I built and offered to people entirely for free at great expense to myself, maddening to the point where I needed to run away.

The worst, most mind-warping part is that apparently some of these people seem to honestly think that they're in the moral right, to behave the way that they do. They think that they are the victims, and that they're doing a heroic deed by shooting down the big bad monster.

The reason I'm saying all this again, by the way, is because of a post by one !!  Totally NotDrake; one of the many persistent thorns in my side, those cockroaches who are impossible to get rid of, but whose presence is wholly unwelcome and detrimental to the atmosphere as a whole.

I've deleted that post, but I'll quote it here:

Quote:
Since writing ultra-long replies to this is in style, gonna say a few words. Obviously I don't have time to write Mein Kampf from scratch ( Frances ), 'cause I'm going to get banned in a couple of minutes, but hey.

(Clarification: I am, actually, Drake, and not Not Drake. He's not (not not) involved in this.)

Some stuff that others would get banned for, but I don't have to worry about (especially since FH doesn't do IP bans):
-The *ultra-secret* site that Frances is talking about is called "[removed]", and is reachable through [removed] . [Note: Thankfully this link only takes you to the front page; you can't read any of the content]
-You can play AF:C through [removed] . For that matter, you can find a whole bunch of Spudo's old prototypes hanging around on the /games directory of his sites.
-His server host service is practically defective; if you load a blank page on one of his domains tons of times a second, the entire site will have an aneurism. Have fun, kids~

Some LW links that have to do with this post:
-∞ LINK ∞ for Vouk's points
-∞ LINK ∞ for Frances'

I'll prolly edit this, conditional on my not being banned for a little longer. If not, I'll just make a new account. No biggie. :y

EDIT: weeee, apparently getting banned doesn't stop editing. So. We are *totally in the right* to harass Spudo, not least because he's perpetrating a [PROFANITY]ing smear campaign against all of fighunter. I dunno how your moral framework works (note: lel hyph), but generally there's a clause for defending oneself from aggressors.

EDIT2: I wonder how long it'll take before this post gets deleted.


His tone is disgustingly smug, for a start. These sorts of people always speak in that "I'm having fun" sort of condescending way. I wonder if it genuinely describes their real mood, or if it's a front to show that they're dominant and bulletproof and they handle adversity with a smile because they're so invincible or whatever. They're the sorts who'd laugh down at what I'm writing now, at any rate. It contrasts severely with my own nature, where I care too much and as such am so easily hurt.

But in terms of content, I don't understand how people think like this. He honestly seems to think that he's in the moral right here. Is it a majority view that I am "perpetrating a [PROFANITY]ing smear campaign against all of fighunter"? I do keep trying to explain this, again and again and again and again. The start of this blog post is yet another example. Fig Hunter is toxic to me. To me. I've explained why, time and again, and I've also repeatedly said that it's not everyone's fault; just the few nasty monsters who bring the whole place down. How many cockroaches would you accept in your meal before you called it unappealing?! How many cockroaches in meals would you accept at a restaurant before you called it a bad restaurant? And so on.

Fig Hunter causes me great pain, and I've made that clear. But despite that, I continue to run it, at no cost to any of you, and great cost to me, and I will continue to do so even though it continues to bring me even greater pain. All I want is to escape, to hide away in a safe place so then I can recover from the wounds that these few but loud nasty people have caused me. I keep pleading and pleading, but apparently these people see that as 'aggression' towards them on a level that's best countered by destroying all that I hold dear? By tearing down the walls I've desperately built up to save my sanity? By toppling all that I've created for people for free? And yet I'm the villain here?

It's absurd...

I doubt that this is the way that most of you feel, but I'm writing this because I don't know whether it's a common and pervasive opinion or not. This place has hurt me so much that I just can't read posts anymore, mostly; even though some are nice, others are like daggers through my heart, and it's just not worth the risk. Even if you received a hundred kisses, handshakes and hugs, and only one knife in the chest, what would stick in your mind afterwards?

It pains me deeply that the world works this way, that there are people like this in the world... I could never have achieved what I have if not for all the supportive people out there, but it's so easy to turn into a bitter and frustrated wreck with even just a few monsters clawing at me for years.

I know I said I'd stop writing about personal things here, and I really would like to... But sadly it seems that these things keep happening, and I just so desperately want them to stop... D:
I WANT to work on my games, to finally release something to bring joy and happiness to the world. But these people certainly make that hard... I mean, my friendless loneliness is already hard enough to bear, and the weight of that drags me down every day. But then these people just dump flaming boulders on top of all that. I've already broken...

What I wonder is what these people would consider a 'victory'. Do they want me to suddenly say that no, Fig Hunter is a wonderful place and every single person her, bar none, is a handsome, sexy, amazing person who brings me only joy? Is that realistic at all? I doubt it though; they are probably the sorts of sadists who just want to see me suffer, so then they can masturbate to their own amazingness or something. It's disgusting. Maybe they see themselves as dragonslayers, but I see it as the mentality of a petty person who can't derive value from making others happy with their personality or creative work or other contributions, so they have to bring others down to feel good about themselves.

Please note that I wrote this assuming that the majority of you are 'on my side', and it's only a handful of people who aren't... I don't know if that's true anymore, but I hope it is...

AFC is almost done... but I needed a bright mind to write its plot. Since that's been rather shattered at the moment, the release has most likely been delayed again. Sigh. If not for people like this, I would have had so many more games out by now, I bet... I can only wonder in despair how many more will flock to me when I DO release another game...
69 Comments

on 23 Roots

69 Comments

EHE
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EHE 23 United States CholericMelancholic INTJ 8w9 17C
Your martyr complex is sickening. If you can't take the good and bad of being the subject of attention, then maybe you should just get off the internet. If you really want trolls to stop, you should have just ignored them. Writing enormous melodramatic posts just shows them that they're having an effect and encourages them to keep up the work.
donutsizzle
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He's not going to read this, and I hope he doesn't. I, for one, want another game to play.

Rather than put too much effort into phrasing this in some diplomatic or polite way, I'll just say, "Don't be a dick."
EHE
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EHE 23 United States CholericMelancholic INTJ 8w9 17C
If you're supporting his ridiculous mindset instead of calling out his bullexcrement, you're doing him a grave disservice. This guy is completely disconnected from reality.
donutsizzle
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  Spoiler for long comment:
ShadowWing
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ShadowWing 20 United States MelancholicPhlegmatic INTP 156 4C
It frustrates me how Pseudo consistently brings this upon himself... He's rude to the users, insults the users, yet freaks out and doesn't understand why some of these users dislike him. I agree that what Drake did was a seriously jerk move, and I do not encourage that sort of behavior, but at the same time, I struggle to understand Pseudo's logic.

He created this site, yes, but he then chose to abandon it and call us all evil people.

At the same time, while I understand that some people are more sensitive than others, I also believe that the way he often words things ends up sounding extremely condescending and potentially insulting, and so when people respond to him, I would feel that they might be reacting. This world consists primarily of people who see action and react. There aren't enough people out there specifically hunting for Pseudo's unhappiness to validate all of his frustrations. Maybe he's getting paranoid?

Personally, I feel as if both are in the wrong. Drake was stupid and did something idiotic, though I also feel that Pseudo brought it upon himself, and whining about it just seems like he's trying to validate that we're all horrible, evil people who want nothing more than to cause him pain. Which isn't true.

I know this comment is against the grain, and a lot of you might not like me for it, but I'd like to ask you to at least consider what I wrote, and maybe try to understand what I'm trying to say.
Geminienemies
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I'd really like to see the quotes claiming that "we're all horrible, evil people who want nothing more than to cause him pain." Until I see a malicious quote by Pseudo (that he hasn't redacted), all this looks like is emotional grandstanding.
Seiryuu
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Does this count? ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
donutsizzle
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Clicked it.

Read it.

Answer:

No.
Geminienemies
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I wouldn't say so. Logical and cynical are not (necessarily) evil and horrible.
ShadowWing
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ShadowWing 20 United States MelancholicPhlegmatic INTP 156 4C
I never stated that he ever said that we were horrible and evil. But I do believe from what he has insinuated with many of his posts and from what negatives he has said about us ("Fig Hunter is toxic to me"), that while he may not say it, he certainly hates us. Also: The addition of the "that he hasn't redacted" statement proves that you also understand that he is subject to emotional whims and will say hurtful things to and about people.

I respect him as a person, but the way he treats other people is completely out of line with his own beliefs, he tends to overreact to the point of extreme paranoia and generalization, and he is unwilling to even consider for a second that the "hateful criticism" that he receives might be... Oh, I don't know... Constructive?

I don't know about you or anyone else, but I know that while I'm not one of the most outspoken or active members of this... "community", nor I have often posted specifically towards Pseudo, but I do know that, originally, I attempted to be a constructive individual and attempt to aid Pseudo. I quickly realized that he wouldn't read what I wrote, and if he did, it would have only made him unhappy.

I hope this is less emotional and more... educational(?) for you. I tried to keep this as serious and logical as possible, just for your benefit. Have a nice day.
Geminienemies
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Technically, you're correct that you didn't say he called us horrible and evil, but you did specifically say that he called us all evil people. Sorry, it's just a nitpicky detail, but it looked like it was presented as fact, and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. Because I don't really even get the vibe that he hates Fighunter, just that it's a place he's grown apart from and is not compatible with anymore.

He definitely has reacted harshly, but I don't know if I would call it overreacting. He has suffered DoS attacks, had private links shared with the world, had other websites inundated with malicious trolls, etc. When a game development studio has their source code, or art assets, or even a gameplay demo leaked, it is often grounds to cancel the project, so it's really a big deal. These people didn't just suddenly become the kind of person who would deliberately hurt someone after being banned - their personalities were always like that. Long story short, he has reason to be somewhat fearful of people.

I don't think he considers criticism hateful though, or meant in any other way than constructive. He just doesn't want it, which for me is just a "fair enough, I won't give constructive criticism anymore" kind of situation, and whatever happens... happens.

Hopefully I haven't misrepresented anything you've said, and I'm sorry if this sounds terse - I've got lots of work to do before spring break and all, but I figured I'd get this out there. And despite my trying to logically dispute things you've said, this situation actually is more about emotions than logic - emotions that have built up over years (like [I can only assume] yours about his disregard for criticism, or mine after seeing so many personal attacks and trolls wear him down over time despite his pleading). I don't expect much to change, especially after seeing the results of the recent polls he posted, but I really hope some kind of solution can be reached.

Thank you though - I did have a nice day, and I hope you did and will tomorrow as well.
coreyj
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For the record, I agree with almost everything you said in this post.
GamerMage
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I want to post this, and I know it's about game reviews, and scores, but it is still appropriate: "Read The Words "

By Jim Sterling

Reviews have scores, unless they don't; or they will use grades...unless they won't. They tend to summarize their points, they write the words...and join the joints.

But one thing they all tend to share...is that they're written with due care, to talk about the ins and outs, to guard against misguided shouts. So when you reduce all those words to just one sentence you want heard, you tend to quite misrepresent what the writer truly meant.

See, reviews are more than just their score, or the one phrase made you sore. I know it's easy to boil it down...into a sentence and do a frown. But chances are, if all you've seen...is a some words splashed upon a meme, your anger's going to be misaimed, because the writer has been framed.

Before you raise some immature link, before you raise a silly stink, try maybe reading all the text. Join each sentence to the next. You'll be surprised at what you find, when seeing the writer's state of mind.

Context, friend, is everything...it often takes away the sting. I know that reading takes up time, but you'll be smart, and that's no crime. Rather than scream and shout at scores, just read it all, put down your clause. Reviews take time to write in full, so when mere sentences you pull to make the words worse than they are, you make indigents go too far. If you've seen a sentence of critique...the context is what you should seek. I promise, it improves your life, and reduces conflict and strife. And if you want to carry on full stream, just pulling quotes and making memes, please keep it on your message board. Because I, for one, (stare at listener with bored look) am truly bored.
Sapphire Dragon
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I think that this website is now falling under the sea of rudeness and annoyances and nobody even cares except for you and now the site is first annoyed and then hacked by hackers. I mean come on the people have no respect for anybodies privacy and they just keep on going into peoples personal space and i think that they cant stop so ban those annoyances from this website already
Stickbabiga
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Stickbabiga 23 United States MelancholicSanguine INFP 4w5 22C
Ah, this reminds me of "The Dark Knight". Particularly the line "some men just want to watch the world burn."

This totallynotdrake guy is one of those people. What Psuedo needs to do is learn to not give a fudge. I know Pseudo says he is constantly being "bullied" but what he needs is either A) a group of people who understand him and go about dispensing his justice. or B) a traumatic experience that numbs him to any trolling on the internet.

I do disagree with a lot of stuff Psuedo does, but I wouldn't go so far out of my way to make things miserable to him. I've had plenty of horrible things happen in my life, (mostly brought on by my insipid disposition). I still stay on this site though because I see a lot of myself in him. And of course, it is said that opposites attract, so it could be said that people who are too much the same clash. However, I am determined to make myself content on this site, even if it doesn't fit me as it fits Pseudo anymore. I would offer advice, but I know how much you (Pseudo) hate that. So I'll end on this note, learn to accept the fact that the world is full of douches, and be happy with the fact that you aren't one of them. Let it bring you inner peace, and be joyful of this discovery.
GamerMage
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Congrats,good sir. I think you get the point in it's entirety. I feel the same. I WANT to help Psuedo out, but...due to his "issue" with advice, I can't.
Fellow
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Fellow 22 Netherlands MelancholicCholeric INTJ 1w9 19C
That's some appaling behavior, there. Linking to sites that people don't want everyone to see and outright telling people to sabotage the site. That's just nasty. I think you're very much right in banning this guy, Pseudo.
FakeKraid
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There's a reason why a lot of indie developers give up and quit. Online bullying is a serious problem, and probably the only way you can avoid it is to avoid online communities that focus around you and your work.
Grigori Federov
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You have my support Psuedo. If you come to someone's site you're in their house, and their house, their rules. That being said, you might want to try to take the emotion out of any other posts you make like this. The emotion in the post will only serve as fuel for their trolling since it makes it self evident that they're succeeding. True, doing what I suggest won't stop them either, but it would take some of the wind out of their sails, and that might help a little. Just my two cents that you likely already had.
Nathan Graves
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Well, there's all kinds of mess and gunk around the site, and I am simply glad that I'm not in it. I don't understand how you feel, so I'm not gonna throw anything 'offensive'. I hope everything goes fine for you. As far as I'm concerned, it's unhealthy for both sides, you and the community, to see each other. Thanks for trying your best to explain without hurting others, though.
donutsizzle
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Hmmm.

Observation in no way intended to offend: I don't care at all about any of this.

I genuinely wonder why any of you do, and whether I should. If I should, please tell me why.

Thanks,
sizz

(Edited for clarification)
The Crimson Sun
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I've never understood why people feel the need to let others know when they don't care about something. If you truly don't care, then move along and make space for those who do.
donutsizzle
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Thewooter
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Thewooter 27 United Kingdom CholericMelancholic INTJ 5w6 123C
My reply is in tags to save space
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donutsizzle
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Thewooter
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Thewooter 27 United Kingdom CholericMelancholic INTJ 5w6 123C
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donutsizzle
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Fellow
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Fellow 22 Netherlands MelancholicCholeric INTJ 1w9 19C
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donutsizzle
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Thewooter
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Thewooter 27 United Kingdom CholericMelancholic INTJ 5w6 123C
Ah fellow those are really good points!

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donutsizzle
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GamerMage
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Glad to know I'm not the only one. I want answers as well.
The Crimson Sun
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Well, you've edited your first comment so I don't remember the exact wording. But based on the apathy of your first sentence, I interpreted the second as questioning how anyone could care about Pseudo's post (as if such a thing were foolish), rather than genuine curiosity.

My apologies for misunderstanding, and the furore I seem to have created.

(People commenting only to say they don't care about things is a pet peeve of mine, which is why I replied in the first place.)
donutsizzle
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People keeping quiet better? Are you sure?

Anyway, no furore. I want to mine some gem of usefulness out of what I otherwise see as a soggy pile.

If it's useful to me, it might be useful to someone else. If it's not useful to someone else, I don't care. If it's not useful to me, at least I tried; I'll not let it discourage me and will continue trying regardless.

  Spoiler for for donutsizzle 's original comment: