Blog Post

5 years ago

Various Things

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Halcyon DreamsMiasmon Personal
I have a few things that I want to talk about here; some personal, some relating to creative things.

It's really nice to see that for all the criticism I feel I've been getting lately (I say it like that - "I feel I've been getting" - because I know that it's often not meant horribly at all and I 'overreact'), I've got emails and private messages and things like that from quite a few people, either thanking me for producing work that has had an impact on them, or generally wishing me well and telling me that they're supportive of me, or even offering their hand in friendship.

I feel very grateful of these things, and want to thank everyone who's offered their support in this way! It does make me feel less like everyone's against me, and I do feel better as a result. It's lovely knowing that there are nice people in the world who'll do things like this... Sometimes I forget that.

One thing that I want to mention though is, uh... Well, it's something that I feel really bad about, and I've probably talked about it before, but not everyone would have seen that since it was a while ago.
I mentioned that I have no friends in a recent blog post... which is true. I don't. I have no 'life' to speak of, and I lost any in-person friends that I had when I moved from Australia to Wales about five years ago. My best friend, who was also my girlfriend, has grown distant (I don't really want to talk about this in any detail at all or to hear comments about it), which has been a hard blow to bear, so there's that, too. I have various online acquaintances, but don't talk to them directly; I just recognise them from their comments on my stuff here or on my private introvert site thing.

The main reason that I don't have Friends though is because I'm really picky. All my life, all my friends have been male (except my girlfriend, who I was rarely able to meet due to living in different countries, and a small number of people I've talked to online but never met). Almost all the people here are male, too. I have nothing against males, objectively speaking (I am one, after all)... but I have personally grown frustrated - sexually frustrated in part, no doubt - by the fact that my life is so lacking in female companions and stuff.
I've used the example before of someone growing up in a library, who does love books... but all their friends have video game consoles and they're really, really interested to try one, but can't afford one. If someone were to try and cheer them up by offering to buy them a book, it probably wouldn't work; they don't hate books at all, but they're so familiar with them and it wouldn't satisfy their longing for this new and different thing. Or something. If anything it might just remind them of how books are all they can seem to get.

I find friends generally draining... I was the sort of person who would dread my (all male) real life friends contacting me to 'do stuff' on weekends, preferring instead to sit inside learning how to make games, and I never went to parties or made the first move to contact people or anything like that.
It's because I crave the ability to really strongly relate to people, rather than just having 'anyone' to talk to or do things with. And if I feel I can't really relate to someone on a deep emotional level, they're likely to be an extra worry rather than a mood booster... even if they mean well. It sounds horrible, and I mean no offence by it; I suppose it's just hard to explain.
I suppose I'd also prefer someone I could 'flirt' with in some way... which I would not want to do with a male.
Wouldn't it make you feel happier to hear "I find you really interesting" from the opposite sex rather than someone of your own sex? o_O

Age and nationality are usually factors too... Many of the people who wish to be my friend are American and usually around a decade younger than me, and the cultural and generation gaps would be too unpleasant for me... It might give a young person an ego boost of a sort to think that they'd be talking with this 24-year-old games developer that they respect, but I can't say that I'd get the same ego boost from talking to some 15- or 16-year-old stranger... It feels embarrassing, as it might if your only friends were half your age or something. Young people have less experience, different life issues, often focused around school, which I no longer go to.
Would you wish to become close friends with someone 8 or 9 or 10 years younger than yourself from the opposite side of the planet? o_O

Anyway, my point is that many people have offered to be my friend over the years, but I invariably turn them down because they're almost always young males, usually teenagers... I appreciate their offer - I really do! - but I don't want to take them up on it because it'd be an emotional drain for me, even if they have a very similar personality to my own. I feel so bad about that and don't want to hurt or reject anyone heartlessly... which is why I've tried to explain it in so much detail. I'm really sorry...

"But Pseudo, you can meet people through people, so even if you make male friends, you might meet girls through them" is something that I hear a lot. It'd take too long to explain in detail why that's not appealing to me, but basically it's the 'emotional drain' thing.

On another note, I've been trying to work on this webcomic thing that I mentioned before. I've planned and made mock-ups of 7 pages so far... and none of them are funny! o_O

It seems that webcomics come in two main flavours, with many exceptions, but these are what I notice usually:
"gag a day" comics, which have a row of panels and a punchline at the end, usually with minimal action and a caricatured cast and 'zany antics';
and "arty" comics, which are more cinematic, have less dialogue, aren't necessarily funny, and can spend two or three pages on a character drinking a cup of tea from various extreme angles and so on. They tend to be in a taller-than-it-is-wide sort of format, often with freeform panels rather than a set template.

My own comic - which is called "Halcyon Dreams" - is tending towards the 'arty' form, though I don't actually have the art skills to pull it off very impressively, at least at the start, though the reason I'm making it at all is to improve my art (which I know isn't bad, but I also know - objectively - that it is not as good as the work of others and I know what I can and cannot do), so it should start looking better over time.

It tells a story, and delves deeply into personalities... The main character is a girl who has a personality and life situation very similar to my own - I am writing what I know and using this as a way of expressing my own thoughts and feelings artistically - and the first four pages have quite a bit of text showing her internal thoughts.
On page 7, though, she's warped away to a strange alien world, and soon develops the ability to shapeshift into animal forms and cast magic. She meets some big tough warrior guy, and ends up travelling around with him for various reasons; much of the early plot and scenes would be them essentially getting to know eachother and realising how different they are, so it'd be more about exploring personality differences than about events or 'zany antics'.
Maybe this will be disappointing to some people, but then again it might be particularly appealing to others. It only stands to reason though that I would write about something I'm passionate about.

I have drawn rough, rough mock-ups of the first 7 pages, as I said, but I need to reread and revise THE HELL OUT OF THEM before I'm satisfied enough to draw and colour them properly... I don't know how long that will take.

Hmm... I wasn't going to do this for fear of criticism or misinterpretation, but oh, I might as well. Here's the rough, rough mock-up of the first page:

It's very scratchy and crude and lays out the parts where they might go, but it's only an idea; the finished version would have much neater text boxes, revised wording, and much better drawings. It'll be fully coloured too.
I only show this here as an example of what to expect. I know that my games have been funny, and I will be injecting that humour into this comic as it comes to me, but I won't be forcing myself to make it amusing or to give every strip a punchline. Much of it may even be angsty melancholy sort of drivel that appeals to me as an emotional and moody person. We'll see.

I have been worrying about my 'reputation' recently, especially considering how I handled recent events.

I hear about certain website owners, webcomic makers, and other people who gain fanbases getting ripped to shreds by haters behind their backs for their personality flaws or the ways in which they handle things ("he bans anyone who criticises him", "he has an overinflated ego", "he's a paedophile", etc).
Tim Buckley of Ctrl+Alt+Delete comes to mind... I've heard that he's not a very nice person at all.

I worry a lot about becoming one of these people who others love to hate... Who has enough that's obnoxious about me to spawn forum threads talking about how horrible I am, what a flawed excuse for a human being I am, and so on and so forth. About how only my 'fanboys' defend me, while anyone sane wouldn't dare go near me, instead preferring to mock from a distance.
I imagine that some people already have such conversations about me... and it's a painful thought, though I have only myself to blame.

I don't want to be the sort of person who bans people for criticising me, or who seems to have a huge ego or severe problems or things like that... Maybe I should be aware of this and try my best to improve how I interact with this site. It is emotionally taxing... but as much as this site drains me, it's not fair to take it out on others.

Finally, I should be getting Pokemon Black 2 today... hopefully. It's not arrived yet though, which is worrying. Irritatingly, Americaland got it days earlier (even though I seem to remember Europe getting Black and White versions earlier), so I've been having to wait for several days for it. Grr.

I don't want to hear or talk about it or anything - I'm ultra-sensitive to spoilers, you see, and the less I know about a game, the more I enjoy it (I've been avoiding looking at the telly when adverts for it are shown!) - but I mention this because I'm hoping that it'll renew my interest in Miasmon, which I've been struggling to make progress with lately due to general lack of passion.
It was Pokemon Black Version that made me start on Miasmon in the first place, so maybe Black 2 will be the thing that makes me finish it.

To be clear: please don't even mention Pokemon in your replies!! I want to know absolutely nothing about it, even your vague impressions of it. Just hearing that people have it when I don't yet is annoying, actually.

So yes. Thoughts. Understanding - rather than harsh opinions delivered as if they're objective facts - would be appreciated.

on 27 Roots



Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
I don't know why I'm replying to such an old blog post, but I'd just like to say that I can relate a lot to what you've said here, even with the generational/age gap you mentioned. I guess I'm also a prime example of that; I'm 13 or so years younger than you currently, American, male, etc. I wouldn't reach out to you and try to become friends or something due to my shyness, but I can understand why you're repelled from people like me. I don't blame you for that.

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
Hi! Wanna be friends? I might not have that much time to spend, since I do have a lot of schoolwork, but maybe we can talk sometimes?

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
Bilious 32 United Kingdom MelancholicSanguine INFJ 379 4C
Last time I saw you mention your introvert site I left a comment, but I'm not certain you saw it.

I don't think I'd be a good fit for the site, but it seems likely that my wife would be. I've shown her what you've said about it, and she agrees.

I think I was more eloquent last time I mentioned this? Either way, please get back to me.

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
I'm closer to a mathematician than to a graphical artist, but mathematics is in many senses an art form with form and pattern and beauty, so I would offer my understanding. Especially when I have to try to sit and explain what I do to my family, it's often like I'm on my own island of physics and mathematics. Lovers never want to get into those sorts of details, and so much of the passion is personal, and that brings up this great angst and feeling friendless. I would also offer a poem from Hopkins -- his understanding, too, then: ∞ LINK ∞ . (I know, I know -- I'm pretty sure neither of us are theists and he's a Jesuit, but it's a really soul-searching poem about the loneliness of creativity.)

I'd also offer another perspective from Ira Glass, one of these really famous radio news presenters in the U.S., who talks a lot about how in his art, you have to be tough and destroy works of art that you've created and even after that sort of sad occurrence, you have to fail a lot because success is often just a sort of dumb luck: ∞ YouTube ∞ . So being 'tough' is crucial to being a successful artist, and if you feel like you've been tough with others on the site... I mean, it's true that such things can be overdone -- but it's also true that this is your chosen direction, and I have seen many online communities die because the people in charge simply weren't tough and they got clogged with divergence and bickering and nastiness.

Authenticity demands that we be self-searching, that we have high standards, that we live deeply and not superficially. The fact that you're asking these questions is already a huge step. Keep learning, man. Keep trying and testing and imagining and changing. I'm convinced that those are the core components of authentic and actual Love in this world, and that such a love can exist regardless of romantic partners. (At least, it abides in me even though I haven't been romantic for the longest time.)

That's life. It's never perfect, but we live it. The alternative just seems self-defeating.

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
So you bought Pokemon, lucky you, I'm too broke for that

Anyways, the webcomic is looking good, a lot of interesting plot points (if a bit cliché, but MARDEK started out cliché as well, and anyone who dares calling it that now deserves a deep pit), I'm already curious about it, so here you have a follower!

Regarding the new site, the colors were a bit too bright at first but five minutes in and I already prefer it

PD: Will you have a site for the webcomic? Or will you release it here?

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
mmagee 32 Canada CholericSanguine ENFP 297 21C
I like the story that you have introduced for your webcomic. I mentioned before that I like how you are able to mix science fiction and fantasy. It's very natural and doesn't come across as forced. I think that transforming into animals can be tricky concept to pull off. I'd like to see you go the route of the old pulp magazines (ie. Doc Savage, Tarzan, John Carter, The Spider, The Shadow, Fu Manchu) lots of them can be found on Project Gutenberg ∞ LINK ∞

I feel like I have a lot I want to say in response to your first section but I'm not going to say too much. Friendship and love don't just happen, especially the kind you want. It takes a lot of time and serious effort. You gotta put yourself out there and really risk getting hurt. It realy really sucks sometimes but the payoffs are worth it.

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
I'm not exactly one to speak, but I always thought that interesting, meaningful friends didn't just happen. Rather, interesting friends are made by reaching out to everyone (or at least many), regardless of how interesting they appear, and possibly finding interestingness in some. In order to have a deep relationship with someone, you have to have a shallow one with some number of people.

Oh, and the fact that there's a zone at the bottom instead of the whole posts to get to the comments is a nice touch - I would always accidently click on it when I didn't want to.

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
Ajbcool 30 United States SanguineMelancholic INTJ 9C
So even though it doesn't make me an expert on drawing and the like, I've read a lot of webcomics myself, so it'd be interesting to see you give it a try! And, what I wanted to say that necessitated that buffering statement there is, even though you say it's a really rough sketch, I really like the outline of the girl in that panel! What I mean to say is - if this is a rough sketch that needs work, then I have high hopes for this webcomic!

And fyi, I"m one of the people who gets more into a webcomic which is, for your term, more "artsy", or rather how I see it, more storyline-centric. Doesn't mean I don't follow the other type, by all means I follow a few of them, but I just love following the actual story that's all tied together a lot more!

If you were to do a webcomic though, might I suggest putting up an RSS feed? I think it's been brought up before, but if you're concerned about ad revenue, you can set up the feed where you have to click through to the website to see the actual content. I don't know the knowhow to tell you HOW you can do this, but I know it's possible from having a few webcomics do it already. Another thing you COULD do (but is not necessary and is probably more work) is to have seperate rss feeds (blogs and webcomic, seperate ones, perhaps specific feeds for specific blog topics, etc) which would work for me keeping it separated, but is not something I'd miss too much if it wasn't done.

But yes! I hope you find your inspiration again, you make great content! I have a friend who, every once in a while, feels the need to come back to MARDEK and play it over again, which shows how memorable your stuff really is! And no, not memorable as in "remember that terrible thing? yeah ha ha yeah its bad" but in a good "oh wow I remember this this is awesome" type way. And that's how I feel about it as well, wanting to get back into it once I have a computer that doesn't lag (and doesn't have a save game sieve which deletes them when it feels like it).

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
Well, it seems like I've missed a lot while I was gone!

About the new site color, it is markedly better than the old version, and sort of reminds me of like birch wood or something? But, anyways, I feel like it's a little blinding, so maybe something in between this and the old version, but a little on the brighter side? I feel that would be the best way to go on this.

About the webcomics, they're pretty good! Obviously you have MUCH better artistic skill than I do. I saw the boat and thought to myself, "Hey! That's like nine hundred million times better than what I could've drawn as a boat! I mean, it's got sails, and masts, and a bow, and a little crow's nest thing and everything on there! I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EVER could've EVER drawn something like that!" (Probably because most of the time, I can't even visualize what a boat looks like.)

Not to actually talk about Pokemon, but I thought it wasn't coming out until mid-November! I was actually intending on purchasing it, but oh well! Guess I'll just buy it preowned in a few months once I've put some more effort into the originals. (And actually beat them, hopefully.) And also, "Americaland". *snicker* It makes it sound like some sort of theme park or something. I don't know what it is about foreigners mocking America that makes me laugh so hard. (Not that I take pity on people who do so in any way, but I just find such mocking to be quite humorous when used in context. I mean, Americaland! Who knew!)

Notice: Undefined index: FID in /home4/yalort/public_html/charcoal/code/common.php on line 11
I feel like this post portrays a much... Healthier mood than many (or even most) of your previous posts! I am glad that you are alive and well, Pseudolonewolf! Or at least that you are able to present yourself as a more "happy" person (not that I am in favor of pretending to be something you're not), like you are saying that you wish to do.

About your personality, and people criticizing you... Just know that I personally believe that you are brave for putting yourself on the internet for others to see. I've started doing the same, and it is hard at times! No one has really even seen my website yet, but every time I put something new there, I feel a quick, silent pang of worry that someone will think that it isn't good enough.

I really am supportive of your web comic ideas, and would be an avid reader, should you start. I've always been enamoured with your humor style, as it is unique, and has a very specific flavour of sincerity and passion to it that I often don't find in other people's jokes. But not everything is about joking, is it? There's a time for everything, and you always seem to find that time. Whether it is serious plot development, subtle (subtle!) innuendos, or some other form of the art of theatrical entertainment, you never fail to surprise and capture the audience.

If I said anything in this post that was 'wrong,' or you wish you hadn't read it, let me know, so that I can avoid saying those types of things in the future.

Good luck and fortune in the things that you strive to do!