FIG HUNTER
. . .
19
Pseudolonewolf
4 years ago

Feelings About People

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
I don't clearly understand why Fig Hunter people seem to hate me so much these days, because I'm too scared to read the critical comments here (this is probably one of the many reasons)... I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way; apparently "don't read the comments!" has become a meme of sorts, and it's not difficult to find an abundance of articles like these, from others who write with an audience and who tend to avoid comments they get, or regret not doing so:
∞ LINK ∞
∞ LINK ∞
∞ LINK ∞
∞ LINK ∞
And so on and so forth.

Apparently I shouldn't be so thin-skinned, though; I shouldn't be so offended, and should drink the bile with a smile and use it to 'improve' myself or whatever. And yet the same people who say such things complain - almost in the same breath - about my own posts being 'tactless' and 'offensive'. Nobody likes the idea of altering their own attitude, but it seems so much easier to make demands.

"Why should I have to sugar-coat my words? YOU should grow a thicker skin! Also, stop saying you 'hate' things. It offends me."

(Interestingly, I'd been told one of the many things that people take issue with is how I so openly talk about how I 'hate' things. I didn't respond incredulously to this, because I know I do use that word more casually than others. However, I did a word search (Ctrl+F) for 'hate' on my blog posts for the last year... If you're curious, perhaps you should do the same; you might be surprised by what you find. I was.)

That's something I'd written about at length, as I was trying to understand exactly what it was that people disliked so much about the way that I ran the site... However, most of it seems irrelevant at the moment, as I feel that it might possibly be the recent bans that have earned me so much ire. I get the impression that many people saw them as unfair or something, because no matter how nasty each person was, or how deserved that ban was, then it was unfair and angering if that person happened to be their friend, or casual acquaintance, or even if they so much as recognised their name... or so it seems to me from my crystal throne atop Mount Olympus or whatever.

Perhaps people feel they came out of nowhere, or were harsh, or unfair, or undeserved, or whatever else. Perhaps they were friends with these people, and thought "well, he was nice to ME, so he didn't deserve to be banned!" Because, of course, you are the only one who matters; this person causing pain to the admin is irrelevant as long as you're happy, right?

As such, I become the villain, the tyrant, the bully... when my only intention was to make the place nicer for everyone.

I might have linked to this post before: ∞ LINK ∞
It talks about how online communities die as a result of hesitant moderation; if nobody removes the weeds from the garden, they infest the place, killing all the flowers, and eventually the garden itself as it ceases to be beautiful and appealing. Removing them the moment they become apparent is for the best, it says... though I've always found that difficult and always gave people 'infinite chances' even when they drove me up the wall. Perhaps it's the break from this normally lax moderation that made the event so striking and offensive and objectionable? That's the impression that I get. Other communities probably would have banned such people long before I did.

Perhaps comparing people to 'weeds' in this way is seen as horribly offensive too... I got the word 'weeding' from the garden analogy, by the way, but it does make those people sound unpleasant. But that's because they are unpleasant. So many people seem to speak as if everyone is a virtuous saint, an angel, and as if saying anything wrong against them is a grievous sin, intolerance of the highest order, completely unfair (and yet striking at me is fair game). Have you ever been bullied? Do you know anyone that you don't get along with? Do you get along with everyone? If you do, I'd wonder whether you're even human. Would you invite the people you dislike into your house? How long would you let them stay? What would they have to do before you considered throwing them out? Would they have to insult, criticise or argue with a few times? Many times? Constantly? Unceasingly? Even when you beg them to stop? What would it take for you to say 'this is enough, I want you to leave'? Would they have to trash your room? Smash your computer? Kill your dog? Cut off your arm?

There are abrasive people in the world who are all about criticism and argument, and they often make things uncomfortable for others. Imagine being invited to a party (an alien scenario for me, but anyway!), and you also bring along some guy you're casual acquaintances with... but he spends the whole time loudly arguing about the layout of the furniture with the party host. Would you feel embarrassed in that situation? How do you think others in the room would feel? Would they be enjoying themselves, do you think? Do you think it would be fair if he was kicked out? Would you feel it was unjust simply because he was your friend, or would you realise that improving the mood for everyone else is more important than allowing this uncomfortably obnoxious person to stay? Even if just the party host had an issue with him, would that be reason enough for him to leave? It's the host's house, after all, and the host put effort into that party and has nowhere to run to get away from this unwelcome intruder except away from their own home.

I really wish I could communicate that simple message to people... yet people seem to find it so hard to take in. D:
Everyone seems to turn a blind eye to the faults or transgressions of their friends while shooting me down for every slight mistake I make... They ignore abuse but crucify with pedantry.

Anyway... Can you imagine how painful it would feel if you built a community, ran it for a decade, tried hard to keep it up and running and to promote it, and spent years making some creative works that you released and which drew admirers to this community who joined as members... only to find out that the members, as a whole, hated you or, at best, had 'conflicting feelings' about you?

I can tell you that it's not a pleasant experience at all!

Perhaps I should have been more transparent about the bans when I issued them, providing reasons to explain my decision. I don't even know how much explanations would help though; if you are friends with someone, then why would you listen to me over them? Why would their 'criminal' actions matter above that friendship? I know that human minds don't work like that...

I do however want to make some attempt to explain, so then you might better understand my side of the story.

Firsly, !!  SaviorSephiroth. Perhaps this is common knowledge by now, and I'm not even entirely certain about the details myself because I was hiding away for much of it... but I'll try my best to explain. I don't want to make 'false accusations' or 'twist words' though; please try to understand that I'm trying to remember to the best of my ability with all of these descriptions, but I'm not infallible so I might get some things wrong. I'm not trying to.
Anyway. He was banned because he made a fake account that he used to play around with peoples' feelings; this account was supposedly a girl with a sob story about how she was homeless or some such thing and who, after keeping up the charade for months, sharing many PMs with people, ended up 'dying', evoking the sympathies of many people who had been on the emotional rollercoaster... After being banned, he continued to make fake accounts, presenting (badly) faked documents 'proving' the existence of his other puppets, such as a death certificate of that girl. Is that close to accurate?! It was something like that, anyway.
In the poll that I started to gauge opinions about all of these people, it currently looks like most people have a negative opinion of him (though this could of course change drastically before you read this!): ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
This is surprising to me, because I thought he was the one most people were upset about the banning of, since he was their buddy and they didn't really know what he'd done wrong.

Next is !!  SelfReferential, who is one of the most repugnant people I've ever had the misfortune of coming across, and who is largely responsible for my inability to read people's comments or the chatroom here, for my avoidance of my own website, and for a mental breakdown that left scars I'm still trying to recover from.
He was the sort who would question and criticise everything I ever said. Everything! He was convinced that I was on some kind of 'high horse' in every word that I wrote (rhyme or reason be damned), and felt that it was his moral duty to knock me off this and show me how I was mortal just like the rest. Painful, considering that I was only trying to enjoy myself on my own site, and I didn't exactly have a high opinion of myself. He also had really bizarre opinions and got enraged when I didn't bend to them, like insisting that I stopped using the word 'girlfriend' because he didn't like it, and arguing endlessly with me when I said I would continue to use it (or some such nonsense).
Oh, I also told him, repeatedly, that what he was doing - constantly 'kicking me in the shins', as I called it to him - was hurting me, tormenting me, and driving me mad, and his response to this was to argue further about how he was doing nothing wrong, how he had the right to criticise if he wanted to, how I was on a high horse for demanding I be immune to criticism (sigh!), and how I must provide objective logical evidence for 'why' he should stop, because apparently 'please, you are hurting me' was not reason enough. He offered me an 'apology' once that basically boiled down to 'I'm sorry you're such a wimp'.
Despite this, I tolerated him for literally years before finally getting rid of him, because I knew that people (for some reason incomprehensible to me) seemed to like him, even engaging him on multiple occasions and trying so desperately - with much, much pain - to understand how on earth his bizarre mind was working. When I finally did ban him, it was one of the most relieving things I've ever felt... Like letting a big, angry wasp out of my room, only thousands of times more potent of course (this analogy only works if you're the sort who, like me, would try and waft the wasp to a window or wait until it leaves of its own accord, and would be terrified of it stinging you the whole time, rather than the sort who'd kill it at first sight!)
According to the poll, most people like him: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
Why? How? It's like a knife through my chest.

Next is !!  Heiveldboy, who, in many ways, was very similar to the previous person. From what I gather, he was, again, one of those sorts who'd argue furiously and unceasingly at the drop of a hat. I was always hearing about how he was starting arguments in the chatroom or forum, just like with the other guy.
I accidentally invited him to the private site that I own when it was new, a couple of years ago, and I was looking for members to start it off. I didn't know him, but trusted what he said about himself; I think he said a place like that would be useful to him or something.
This turned out to be a bad decision, and it makes me wary and suspicious of every new person that I come across now, as well as reluctant to let people into my private sites unless I know them well enough.
While the purpose of that place was to have a nice little haven of understanding and caring, a healing reprieve from the battlefield that is Fig Hunter, he had no idea about how to provide supportive, emotional feedback at all. His response to a post where I talked about how much I liked Myers-Briggs and how useful I found it was to compare it at length to astrology and provide links that proved how flawed and useless a system it was, as well as accusing me of using it as a way to explain away my faults rather than dealing with them or some such thing. Supportive, right?! Sure to make one's mood soar. His other attempts to 'help' were much the same, full of oblivious criticism and clumsy advice that was neither asked for nor appreciated.
I thought that others found him hard to deal with too. His poll currently shows that he has mostly admirers: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
Another dagger.

Next is !!  Ratio. I barely know of him, but apparently my moderators found him intolerable. Yet another obnoxious, critical sort who turns everything into an argument and tells people how wrong they are all the time. Same old, same old. One of so many.
His poll shows admirers too: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞

I also know little about !!  Drake, the next in the list. Again I gather it was more of that same bad attitude, and my moderators agreed he was a bad influence. The way he handled his ban confirmed it; he was the one who wrote the thing I quoted the other day, with the highly condescending tone, and links to my private things that weren't meant for anyone's eyes yet, as well as tips about how to hack my site... written, of course, with a new account despite being banned.
While I'm glad most people aren't happy about him, even he, it seems, has admirers: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
That's sure to put a smirk on his smug little face. "I'm more liked than Pseudo!" That'd be impressive if only it weren't so easy.
I wonder what part of peoples' minds makes them ignore the obvious atrocities that these people commit, while pouncing on every 'offensive' word in the things I write and hating me for it. It baffles me.

Finally, there's !!  Frances, the transgender person I talked about recently. Apart from being generally combative and argumentative (is it any surprise that there's a pattern here?), she also apparently wrote many posts slandering me, calling me a 'transphobic bully' and such over one single argument that we had. She had a strong victim mentality and believed that I had something against her or something, and as such it was fair to openly have something against me on my own website.
She was finally banned when she publicly linked to one of my most private, personal thoughts that was not meant for public eyes, as I described recently.
Her poll looks like this: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞
I know that I was not kind to her, but apparently her own prickliness and nasty words about me are ignored in favour of demonising me. It almost feels as if people are looking for reasons to hate me, to cheer for anyone who dares oppose the big bad evil tyrant...

And then finally there's that frustrating A β Pseudolonewolf guy. Me, the tyrant. I have made mistakes, and many of them, but I also made the site, and the games that people liked enough to visit it. I am the sole reason that most of you people know eachother at all. I'm the one who built the system people use to spew bile about me, and I'm the one who continues to pay to keep it up and running (are you aware that keeping my website up costs money?). I spend hours of every day (without pay) working on games that people will get to play for free eventually - just as they played my other games and use my site without paying a penny - or maintaining the website that you all use. I try so hard to maintain the peace, to do what must be done to keep the site running, and I try desperately to explain myself when conflict arises...
And this is how people feel about me: ∞ Fig Hunter ∞

As I look at that now, 6 people feel 'strongly negative' about me. Only one feels 'strongly positive'. By contrast, 6 feel 'strongly positive' about Heiveldboy, and 10 feel that way about Frances. Even Drake, who nakedly expressed sadistic joy at taking down my site, has more admirers than I.

To the people of Fig Hunter, I am worse than the people who broke me... and that just breaks me even more.

I ask you: how would you feel in my position? What would you do? What could you possibly do? Would you keep such a community going?
24 Comments
28
Pseudolonewolf
4 years ago

Numbers

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
I'm sorry, this is more of the same, but it's also something that I want to write because even if you're not interested in getting involved in all the emotional drama or anything, it might at least give you an idea of what it's like to be in the position of a developer or someone with a tiny bit of internet 'fame' or something.

I got an email from someone called 'Ross Brunton' (who I assume is a Fig Hunter or ex-Fig Hunter, though I don't know who). This is its entire content:

Quote:
You have, and are currently, hurting a lot of people. Do you realise this, I wonder?


Firstly, I don't see what this is meant to achieve other than hurting me. It certainly doesn't provide detail that I could use to change what I'm doing or anything. Perhaps then it's merely some sadistic troll, sniggering as he strikes at my nerves.

However, I do think that a lot of people probably do feel this way? That I am unfairly hurting people and such. I've tried already to explain this in great depth many times, but I want to approach it from a different angle this time. I want to talk about numbers.

How many people do you have in your life? How many demand your attention? Ask you questions? Have emotional needs that only you can fulfil? Do you know them all personally? Did you invite them into your life, or end up with a mutual bond through shared interests or ideas? Are you friends? Colleagues? Acquaintances?

How many people talk to you without being any of those things? People who know you, at least somewhat, but who you don't know at all? How many people ask you for things, despite the fact that you've never made contact with them or explicitly invited them into your life? How many messages do you receive from strangers each day?

This site has over 3500 members at the moment, but in its previous incarnation, the number of accounts just slightly exceeded 10,000. If we assume that as many as 75% of those accounts are spam, trolls, duplicates, inactive, or whatever else, that still leaves about 2500 people. If only 10% of those actually actively post or send me messages, that's 250 people... which I think is far too low a number based on my experiences, but let's use that.

That means that 250 people, who I've never met, have come into my 'home' and essentially made demands of me. These demands vary a lot, from a simple 'hello' (wanting one in return), to 'let's be friends' (even though I know nothing about them), to 'teach me all your skills', to criticism about my life or ideas, or any number of other things. These people came to me because I'd made games that they liked. Through those games, they knew me slightly, and had a reason to want to know me further. I, however, knew nothing about them and had no particular reason to find them interesting. That sounds cold, I know, but it's true; if StarWarsFan2325 were to visit George Lucas, it's not exactly going to be a relationship based on two-way interest, at least not from the start. Mr Lucas has already impressed this stranger indirectly, and the stranger must make efforts to impress him... But he deals with so many Star Wars fans (presumably) that it must be hard for any single one to shine, if any do at all. Maybe they've all blurred into one for him. Maybe he's sick of Star Wars fans. Is this hurtful to them? Probably, but what's the alternative? Being best buddies with them all? Staying smiling, even though a significant chunk of them only want to tell him how much episodes 1, 2 and 3 'sucked'?

I'm hardly at that level of fame, of course, but it seems that when you release a creative work into the world and people like it, people do develop this sort of relationship with you through it, which they are then excited to continue with you directly. But how many friends do you have? How many do you think that you could ever have? People who you talk to directly and enjoy talking to, I mean. If 200 people approached you wanting to be friends, would you accept them all? How would you have the time? How would you pick and choose? Would it be fair to accept one but to shun another? Would you feel bad about hurting people through rejection? How would you feel if many of the people who approached you were mean and critical? Would your optimism and excitement ever wane?

There's a concept called ∞ Dunbar's Number ∞, which says that our minds can only handle about 150 or so relationships with other humans before it simply can't handle anymore. Even that 250 I came up with earlier - which I feel is much lower than the real number of people who've approached me - exceeds that by quite a bit.

When Fig Hunter was new and the number of members was relatively small, I was really active in the community, and I was praised for this by many people. Most developers were distant figures, they said, while I took the time to talk to my fans. I posted in forum threads all the time, and carefully read every single post that anyone wrote, often replying. I felt that since they'd taken the time to approach me, and genuinely had interest in me, then it would be rude and wrong to do otherwise. I mean, I'd been the quiet, backgroundy sort in school, known by few and admired by less, and now I was 'popular', in some sense of the word, as a result of my creative achievements. It felt nice, and I felt good about mingling and answering questions and generally being 'social' with these people, which wasn't easy in general because there were a lot of them and I am an introvert.

It's only through the years that my attitude gradually and slowly changed. The critical people who'd shoot me down, who I mentioned in the last post, are the main reason, but there are others too, like losing my girlfriend and living with life-ruining social anxiety for many years without any real life relationships with people to keep me grounded and happy and sane. I came to find certain attitudes I saw in my community hurtful, after being struck by them many times, and I tried to explain how I felt and to implement systems that might do away with these kinds of attitudes. I know now that it doesn't work like that - that people will be who they are and there's no controlling that, and that some critical, argumentative sort won't stop being that way simply because his posts can be rated down or because he's told that his attitude isn't appreciated - but I was still learning how to cope with running a large community back then, and I had to learn through the process of trial and error. I certainly wasn't a socially skilled person, so I made many mistakes.

Eventually, dealing with these hundreds of complete strangers injecting themselves into my life - with new ones coming along all the time - who felt I owed them even though I didn't know them, got too much to bear, and, especially considering I'd just lost the one person I truly loved, I shut down and ran away. I doubt I need to repeat the stuff I've said about that many times before.

The whole point I want to make clear here though is that it pains me if I hurt people, BUT the only reason I do 'hurt' people is because I myself have absorbed so much pain and malice over the years that I literally cannot cope anymore. Too many people approach me, and I barely have the energy to deal with one. People come to me with emotional needs, loads and loads of them, each begging for a piece of me (in a sense), and I've already been torn to shreds so I just don't have anything that I can offer. They come wanting meat, and feel offended when all they find is a skeleton. Or something like that.

I vent indirectly, speaking about my feelings of the community as a whole, in order to explain why I can't possibly give everyone what they want. Each post like this is another attempt to basically say "I don't want to hurt you, but nor do I have the energy to embrace you, I'm sorry, I just can't" or "please stop hurting me"... But then there are those who speak as if I go around personally spitting in poor innocent people's faces for absolutely no reason, sadistically hurting them for a laugh or to assert my superiority or whatever. I can only wonder whether these kinds of people are projecting; imagining the kinds of things they might do, or the reasons they might have for behaving in a certain way.

The only people I speak of with real venom are the ones who've made this place literally hell for me, and if I hurt them, then that's too bad, because I never wanted them here in the first place and all they've given me in return for what I've given them (my games, this site) is pain and misery. They have no right to complain about being 'hurt'. They brought their pain upon themselves.

I'm bracing myself for the snarky sorts who'll take this chance to tell me I brought my own pain upon myself, but the fact that there always are people like that is what has made this place so difficult over the years.

Do you know anyone in person who you really can't stand? Who rubs you the wrong way? Who you wish you could be away from? CAN you be away from that person, whenever you please? How would you feel if that person followed you around to your house, with a dozen identical buddies, and rooted around in your underwear drawer, hacked into your computer, and pissed on your bed? How would you feel if this kept happening, over and over and over again, with nowhere to run because they just followed you there? When would you stop smiling?

Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I'm just trying to make a point. I'm one man - and not a good one - and I'm approached by crowds of strangers with emotional needs that I literally don't have the energy to fulfil. I would like people to remember that if I can't give them my time, or I can't give them a smile and a hug, it's not because I personally have anything against them, but because I most likely know nothing about them and they're just one in a long line of other strangers demanding the same thing. It often seems that people don't think about the numbers like this, and see my relationship with them as one-to-one, or like a guy they might meet in person, when that isn't the case at all.

Anyway, sorry about continuing all this ~drama~ and everything, but hopefully there are those out there who at least find this an interesting way to see what it's like to be a content producer who's achieved a smidgen of admiration from people all over the world. I know I'd find posts like this interesting, anyway!
34 Comments
33
Pseudolonewolf
4 years ago

Ugh

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
It's disturbing how the warped minds of some people work...

Apparently, even achieving a little bit of 'fame' draws all kinds of nutjobs and psychos towards you, the sorts of horrid people who darken and shatter the lives of everyone that they come across, each one permanently chipping away a part of your innocence, your motivation, your happiness... I say 'your', but of course I mean 'my'; I don't know if this same gradual destruction happens to anyone else.

Imagine, if you can, what that's like... Have you ever been bullied? Trolled? If you have, was it easy to run away? If it happened online, maybe you could just leave. Maybe it was only one person, or a couple, who targeted you in that way. Maybe you've never been the target of anything like that at all (lucky you).

Imagine though that you had a home on the internet... Your Facebook page, say, or website, or some equivalent. Let's say you've been running it for years. And for all those years, each month, a new troll shows up. They're not blatantly obvious; they don't spam your page with outright abuse and nonsense, making it easy to ban them at a glance. No, instead, they just show up and criticise and question everything you ever say. Let's say you write a post about, uh... what do the kids write about on their face books...? I don't know. Let's say that you found something you like and you want to show that off. Maybe it gets a reply from someone you like, saying that they like it too and such. But then this new person, this subtle troll, replies to say something along the lines of "it looks like you think you're saying you're better than everyone else for liking this", or "why would you like something like this?", or something like that. It's not necessarily direct abuse, but it's critical and questioning and unlikely to be pleasant to hear.

Perhaps you'd shrug it off the first time. Then the first few times. Then time might go on, and you keep getting these same critical, questioning comments from this same person on anything that you write. It gets difficult to write anything at all, because you just know they'll reply. They always do.
Maybe then you actually ban them, to be rid of them at last. It might make you feel bad, because they weren't being directly abusive as such; they merely had an abrasive personality. Is "I don't like him" reason enough to block him from your life forever? Not that it is forever, of course; soon he's back, with a different face, a different name, more angry than ever that you DARED to do such a thing to him. Now he's vengeful, and makes an effort to hack around in the innards of your site, or your page, looking back to things you'd written and forgotten, dragging them up for others to see in order to make you seem worse. Painful. This goes on and on.

Maybe eventually he gets bored, or you manage to do something that finally gets rid of him for good (though the former is the only likely thing, since it seems to be impossible to truly get rid of such people; they always find a way around). Maybe you breathe a sigh of relief... though the experience has left its scars.

Then the next month arrives, and with it, another person, not the same one, but oh so very similar. Critical. Questioning. Snooping. A thorn in your side, a snarky voice that shoots down all that you have to say. The cycle continues.

How many months of this would you be able to endure before you were broken? Before the place you used to enjoy became unbearable? Is this something that you can imagine?

I know that many of you do already get this... You know where I'm coming from when I talk about Fig Hunter being painful for me, and how I need an escape. You even understand that when I talk about the site as a whole being toxic, etc, I'm referring to THESE kinds of people, these experiences, that have ruined the whole place for me. I thank you for being so understanding.

But of course there are always those who aren't so understanding. The very ones who broke me in the first place, who made this place, my home online, which I built and offered to people entirely for free at great expense to myself, maddening to the point where I needed to run away.

The worst, most mind-warping part is that apparently some of these people seem to honestly think that they're in the moral right, to behave the way that they do. They think that they are the victims, and that they're doing a heroic deed by shooting down the big bad monster.

The reason I'm saying all this again, by the way, is because of a post by one !!  Totally NotDrake; one of the many persistent thorns in my side, those cockroaches who are impossible to get rid of, but whose presence is wholly unwelcome and detrimental to the atmosphere as a whole.

I've deleted that post, but I'll quote it here:

Quote:
Since writing ultra-long replies to this is in style, gonna say a few words. Obviously I don't have time to write Mein Kampf from scratch ( Frances ), 'cause I'm going to get banned in a couple of minutes, but hey.

(Clarification: I am, actually, Drake, and not Not Drake. He's not (not not) involved in this.)

Some stuff that others would get banned for, but I don't have to worry about (especially since FH doesn't do IP bans):
-The *ultra-secret* site that Frances is talking about is called "[removed]", and is reachable through [removed] . [Note: Thankfully this link only takes you to the front page; you can't read any of the content]
-You can play AF:C through [removed] . For that matter, you can find a whole bunch of Spudo's old prototypes hanging around on the /games directory of his sites.
-His server host service is practically defective; if you load a blank page on one of his domains tons of times a second, the entire site will have an aneurism. Have fun, kids~

Some LW links that have to do with this post:
-∞ LINK ∞ for Vouk's points
-∞ LINK ∞ for Frances'

I'll prolly edit this, conditional on my not being banned for a little longer. If not, I'll just make a new account. No biggie. :y

EDIT: weeee, apparently getting banned doesn't stop editing. So. We are *totally in the right* to harass Spudo, not least because he's perpetrating a [PROFANITY]ing smear campaign against all of fighunter. I dunno how your moral framework works (note: lel hyph), but generally there's a clause for defending oneself from aggressors.

EDIT2: I wonder how long it'll take before this post gets deleted.


His tone is disgustingly smug, for a start. These sorts of people always speak in that "I'm having fun" sort of condescending way. I wonder if it genuinely describes their real mood, or if it's a front to show that they're dominant and bulletproof and they handle adversity with a smile because they're so invincible or whatever. They're the sorts who'd laugh down at what I'm writing now, at any rate. It contrasts severely with my own nature, where I care too much and as such am so easily hurt.

But in terms of content, I don't understand how people think like this. He honestly seems to think that he's in the moral right here. Is it a majority view that I am "perpetrating a [PROFANITY]ing smear campaign against all of fighunter"? I do keep trying to explain this, again and again and again and again. The start of this blog post is yet another example. Fig Hunter is toxic to me. To me. I've explained why, time and again, and I've also repeatedly said that it's not everyone's fault; just the few nasty monsters who bring the whole place down. How many cockroaches would you accept in your meal before you called it unappealing?! How many cockroaches in meals would you accept at a restaurant before you called it a bad restaurant? And so on.

Fig Hunter causes me great pain, and I've made that clear. But despite that, I continue to run it, at no cost to any of you, and great cost to me, and I will continue to do so even though it continues to bring me even greater pain. All I want is to escape, to hide away in a safe place so then I can recover from the wounds that these few but loud nasty people have caused me. I keep pleading and pleading, but apparently these people see that as 'aggression' towards them on a level that's best countered by destroying all that I hold dear? By tearing down the walls I've desperately built up to save my sanity? By toppling all that I've created for people for free? And yet I'm the villain here?

It's absurd...

I doubt that this is the way that most of you feel, but I'm writing this because I don't know whether it's a common and pervasive opinion or not. This place has hurt me so much that I just can't read posts anymore, mostly; even though some are nice, others are like daggers through my heart, and it's just not worth the risk. Even if you received a hundred kisses, handshakes and hugs, and only one knife in the chest, what would stick in your mind afterwards?

It pains me deeply that the world works this way, that there are people like this in the world... I could never have achieved what I have if not for all the supportive people out there, but it's so easy to turn into a bitter and frustrated wreck with even just a few monsters clawing at me for years.

I know I said I'd stop writing about personal things here, and I really would like to... But sadly it seems that these things keep happening, and I just so desperately want them to stop... D:
I WANT to work on my games, to finally release something to bring joy and happiness to the world. But these people certainly make that hard... I mean, my friendless loneliness is already hard enough to bear, and the weight of that drags me down every day. But then these people just dump flaming boulders on top of all that. I've already broken...

What I wonder is what these people would consider a 'victory'. Do they want me to suddenly say that no, Fig Hunter is a wonderful place and every single person her, bar none, is a handsome, sexy, amazing person who brings me only joy? Is that realistic at all? I doubt it though; they are probably the sorts of sadists who just want to see me suffer, so then they can masturbate to their own amazingness or something. It's disgusting. Maybe they see themselves as dragonslayers, but I see it as the mentality of a petty person who can't derive value from making others happy with their personality or creative work or other contributions, so they have to bring others down to feel good about themselves.

Please note that I wrote this assuming that the majority of you are 'on my side', and it's only a handful of people who aren't... I don't know if that's true anymore, but I hope it is...

AFC is almost done... but I needed a bright mind to write its plot. Since that's been rather shattered at the moment, the release has most likely been delayed again. Sigh. If not for people like this, I would have had so many more games out by now, I bet... I can only wonder in despair how many more will flock to me when I DO release another game...
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