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Posts relating to Personal:

6 years ago

Happy Birthday To Me...

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: PersonalSpecial Days
I'm 24 today.

I can't exactly say this makes me happy. I'm past the stage where I remotely enjoy getting older. Instead, it just makes me reflect on my position in life at the moment... Living with my parents, no real life friends, no 'proper job', anxiety issues that prevent me from leaving the house, can't drive, can't even go in shops, my relationship seems uncertain and I don't feel capable of finding others so it seems like all that awaits in my future is loneliness and uncertainty. I'll probably become some bitter, grizzled old cynic before I am 30, single and depressed.

I'm already such a cheery fellow, as you can see.

Every extra year seems closer to death, and even if I were to meet people my age, it feels like it'd be harder to form bonds as close as they'd be if you shared more of your life journey with them... Growing up together. That means a lot to me, it seems, but it also seems out of my reach... Hard to explain.

But maybe I should look on the bright side!1 Like... hmm. There probably maybe perhaps is one, if I look hard enough.

I just hope that over the next year, I can sort a lot of things out, rather than ending up writing an even more depressing blog post when I'm 25. I am trying, but the changes I need to make are huge.

Anyway, after this moment of sighing reflection about not being where I want to be in life, I'd rather just get back to working on Miasmon or something. I hope I can finish that soon. Releasing it would feel like a big and welcome change in my life.

(I wonder how many lovely people will kick me while I'm down this time?)
6 years ago


◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
I mentioned a 'confidence-building' class in the last post, and went to it on Monday. Some people expressed curiosity about how it might have gone, so I'll tell you...

Unfortunately, it was not really what I was hoping it'd be... I originally went hoping that I might meet other shy, anxious young people who I could be friends with - since I don't have any in-person friends at the moment, as I keep saying, and that's been getting to me more and more lately - but I was basically the only one of the nine of us in the class who wasn't middle-aged...

I lack confidence in the sense that I struggle to do activities such as going into a shop, or talking to people, but these people seemed to lack confidence in the fact that they were not attractive, their partner had left them, or things like that, which brought down their self-esteem...
So it seems we were using different definitions of the word 'confidence'. They had no 'inner confidence', while I lack 'outer confidence'.

We were given an activity to do, which was, uh... well, it didn't engage me on an intellectual level, I'll say that much, nor did it increase my confidence at all since it was aimed at improving self-esteem-type confidence rather than active, pragmatic confidence.

It was a mildly beneficial thing in that I felt more confident after it just because I'd managed to do it at all... My social anxiety makes leaving the house at all a horrible experience, a painful ordeal, and the thought of going to sit for two hours in a room full of strangers was horrifying to me; I barely slept the night before, and thought I'd likely have a panic attack.

I didn't, though, which makes me think I might be able to do other things like that in the future, so maybe THEN I'll meet people...

But sigh... Whatever little confidence boost I got from that was shattered by yet more 'personal stuff' that came up afterwards, unrelated to it... I feel terrible now, and the motivation I had for composing has apparently left me, been blown away by news that's hard to swallow...
I'm not going to go into more detail here though, not because I don't want to, but because it wouldn't be a good thing to do.

I'm going to try to keep working on Miasmon, but I am feeling rather horrible right now... I really wish it were easy to meet people, friends, in the UK, who I could meet and associate with and relate to, people around my age who shared my interests and outlook...
But sigh, I keep trying and I never seem to find anyone... Everyone else seems so 'ordinary', and I can't relate to them at all.

At the confidence-building course, there was one middle-aged man who seemed like a bundle of worries and anxiety, and looking at him, I thought 'I bet that'll be me in a couple of decades'... My future looks rather bleak at the moment.
6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
It is Sunday so here is a Weekly Update that I am writing I hope you find it useful!!11!11

Yes. Well, uh, I've got work done on Miasmon this week! Which is good. I've been making areas. The first chapter won't be very long; it's basically a town, a route, and two dungeons, and I've now done the town, route, and one of the dungeons. There aren't any plot events in them yet, or NPCs or anything; I've decided to sort of make the 'skeleton' of the game first - the empty areas and the transitions between them - then add stuff to them after they're all done, which isn't what I usually do, so I might find out it's better to do things this way.

Excitingly though, I have now composed three pieces of music for Miasmon! One yesterday, and then two today; I've spent basically all day today composing. It feels good, because it's been ages since I successfully composed anything, and struggling with the music for this game has been really putting me off working on it.
I can probably finish the entire soundtrack in a week if I put my mind to it, so I'm hoping to do that next week. It'll make the whole game feel 'almost complete' if I can achieve that... even though there's still quite a bit left to do. Mainly stuff like the visual and sound effects for skills, and several monsters which haven't been drawn yet, as well as some other boring technical things.

Oh, all the engine stuff is done, though; it was done a while ago. Now I'm just having to make the content.

On a personal note, I may or may not be going to some kind of 'confidence-building class' tomorrow, which says a lot about me, I suppose... As does the fact that I'm scared of it and may not even end up having the confidence to go. o_O

It would be interesting to meet people there so then I might have some in-person friends finally, but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Maybe it'll just be attended by a bunch of housewives and old men with Asperger's or something, I don't have a clue.

But why am I mentioning it here?

In my last blog post, about Miasmon, I included a bit about how I didn't want to receive advice, and that I'm actually able to come up with things without relying on the amazing spontaneous wisdom of teenagers from the internet, or something like that.
Actually, it was a lot milder than that, and I seem to be exaggerating here for some reason.

Someone contacted me saying that it was offensive, that bit, and I wonder if anyone else got that impression.

Apparently it came across as me suggesting I'm superior and that my own wisdom is better than other peoples' or something like that, which isn't what I meant at all.
What I meant is that I get some really banal 'advice' or 'suggestions' sometimes that are unintentionally patronising because they implicitly say that I can't come up with the most obvious of things myself.

For example, I've had 'suggestions' before like 'in MARDEK 3, you should include more weapons than in MARDEK 2'.
I feel irritated when I read things like that, because, well, did the person think I wouldn't do that unless he chipped in and offered his sagely wisdom?
I know people like that are just trying to help, but after being on the receiving end of such patronisingly obvious suggestions or advice for years now, I'm really bitter about it and less tolerant than I should be. It's why I write things like this, and another recent post, to explain how I don't really like advice.

I just want to make it clear that I don't think I'm better than anyone, and I'm sure that many of you really do have wonderful ideas... But often with my own projects, making decisions requires knowledge of details I can't reveal, so suggestions for what I should do are usually for really obvious things, or they're incompatible with what I want to do, or what I'm able to do.

I just don't like having to say 'no' all the time, and it's not possible to say 'yes' to everyone.

I get advice about my personal life, too, from people who don't understand how Social Anxiety works... which is difficult to deal with, hmm.

Anyway, I'm glad to be making progress on Miasmon again! I'm hoping to have it done soon... but I've probably been saying that for months.