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Posts relating to Personal:

6 years ago


◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
Apparently I'm going to see Derren Brown perform live today! And by 'perform', I of course mean 'strip tease'.

Most of you probably don't have a clue who he is, if you don't live in the UK, but some of you who DO live in the UK might. For the rest of you, he is a 'gay magician'. Yes. That describes him perfectly well and I'm sure the mental image you're getting from that is completely accurate, with its pink sparkly suit and limp wrists.

He's one of very few 'people off the telly' that I rather admire though, because of his abilities, which I wish I was capable of myself, so it's a weird feeling going to see someone like that in this real world of flesh rather than just on some magic picture box.
I've been to one of his shows before, and my brother ended up going up on stage, which was weird and interesting. He has no idea how the trick *he was in* worked, and of course neither do I! Which is what makes the performances appealing in the first place, of course.

Also, this post is totally related to games and stuff.

Normal people might just be feeling excitement about such a thing, but mine is tinged with the significant fear of having a panic attack. Lovely, that.
6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Whoops, I meant to write this yesterday, but then... didn't. Oh well.

I *tried* to work on Chamaeleon this last week... but it wasn't going well. I've been rather emotionally tense and distressed and needy and things recently, due to lovely Life Issues™ and wondering about the place I am with things at the moment, and it's hard to just do work as normal because of it. Those of you who have or have had Depression may understand how debilitating that can be. (I wouldn't go so far as to say I have that myself, but I have been feeling very emotionally 'distracted'.)

It's largely because I lack any kind of real friends, which I've gone over many times before in these blog post things. I know that this site is full of people who'd love to be nice and supportive, but... while that's all nice and good, it's not really filling the hole that I have, or something. Like how you'd feel if you really wanted, say, a PS4, but were bought a... book... instead. I don't know! Maybe you'd appreciate having anything at all, but it's not the same because it's not really what you are looking for.

I say that since, as I've also said before, I'm interested in people around my own age who I can really *relate* to, and preferably not males just because I'm so completely sick of knowing essentially only males my whole life or something... Again, it's like being bought a book if you already have your own personal library, but wonder what video games are like and have little experience with them. Getting more books won't fill that longing. Yes. A totally perfect analogy, that. Totally.

I'm not just sitting around complaining about it though. I've actually been working on another project that may hopefully bring me closer to receiving some kind of emotional fulfilment, maybe, perhaps. Or it might just be a waste of time. I don't know.

I'm making another website - which, I should stress first and foremost, will exist *alongside* this one rather than *instead of* it; I'm not abandoning Fig Hunter - which will be more socially oriented, in a way, but aimed at a rather specific audience.

I am introverted and shy and lonely and all that, and places like Facebook bother me because they seem so *extroverted*... People are constantly going on about the social lives that they have, making 'status updates' about their promiscuous antics or what concerts or parties they went to or whatever (maybe; I am making wild assumptions here based on lack of experience with that site), and if you don't have A Life, then it's easy to feel left out and like you don't belong there.

I've also been to places like dating sites before (while not even necessarily single or Looking or whatever; just out of some curiosity about those sites that claimed to find matches based on your personality), and it seems that everyone there claims to be 'bubbly' and 'laid-back' and 'easy-going' and 'fun-loving' and things like that. The same on 'find friends!' sites, too.
Many of them probably *aren't*, but they feel they have to say they are because introversion is regarded as a handicap, while extroversion is seen as a positive set of traits that everyone must at least pretend to have...

So I want to make a site specifically aimed at introverted, lonely people who don't have many or any friends, and who are looking to find like minds, just for online conversations if nothing else. It'd say that there was nothing wrong with introversion, and encourage people to be open about those traits of theirs rather than hiding them and putting on a 'fun-loving bubbly laid-back' mask to appease others and fit society's expectations.
I have this longing for a place like that and have yet to find one, so maybe others are like me and would appreciate such a place.

It won't be for everyone. I'd also very much like to attract an older audience than there is here - it's not a site for young teenagers - and I'd hope to get more of a gender balance too (rather than 90% male).
If the site's not about an interest like Flash games, then maybe this will be not entirely infeasible, but I don't know, maybe most lonely people are male because females find it easier to find others, I don't know. I can but wait and see.

I'm also hesitant to even mention it as an *idea* in its early stages here, because the whole reason I'm making it is to have a community that *isn't* Fig Hunter. There's nothing wrong with most of you (I say 'most' because I can't help but think of the trolls who seem to be constantly causing me pain... >_>) as people or anything, and I don't mean to suggest that there is, but a community of mostly 'teenage boys' isn't really what I'm after at the moment... I mean, there are some things I do get out of this community, and I appreciate it for that, but like I said... books and PS4s and stuff. Yes. That.

But I fear that people from Fig Hunter will just move over and join this introvert site whether they fit the requirements at all, so I'll get a bunch of people who aren't even lonely or introverted, all young males, just following me because it's a site that I made, and the whole thing will be pointless and stressful and months of planning will go down the drain as I end up with two Fig Hunters full of trolls and young males to manage...

Anyway, I can understand that it can't be pleasant for the, uh, teenage males, or extroverts, to be hearing that I'm looking for a place where you aren't... I'm truly sorry if this causes offence, and again I want to point out that I don't think there's anything wrong with you, or that I feel you're not 'good enough for me' or things like that.
It's just that all my life, I've been surrounded by young males, 'gamer' types, and like someone who grew up in a library and never played a video game, I am curious about these other things I've missed out on rather than just... getting more books. Yes. I keep using that silly, poor analogy! There's nothing wrong with books though. I've just grown tired of them... Of books. Yes. Right.

So yes... I spent months planning this other site, but have started work on it now. It's still in its early stages, but when it's done, I don't know if I'll publicly announce it because I DON'T want everyone from here pouring over there. I have other ways of attracting people in mind, though.
I was originally intending to keep it a secret, in fact, but people will find out anyway so I might as well mention all this here now.

It may be that some of you would feel a place like that would meet your own needs - if you too are lonely and introverted and crave to find like minds - in which case, as long as you're older than around, say, 16, then maybe it'd be okay if you joined, when it was ready... It's not like I don't want ANYONE from here to join. Just not people who aren't who the site's designed for, joining because it's a site by me rather than because they are lonely introverts.

I'll probably spend this week working on that site too, rather than games - sorry - because I feel I really do need to finish it to at least have a hope of happiness to keep me going.

Now, I wonder how many
- people will offer me advice I never asked for
- extroverts will get annoyed at me, or tell me how I should be friends with extroverts
- people here will get offended at what I've just said
- people will criticise me for doing this or thinking the way that I do
- people will tell me to 'get over it' or 'deal with it' or 'stop being picky', etc.

And, of course, I wonder how much I'll regret writing this at all, since the faceless crowds and demented trolls of the internet can be so harsh, sigh.
6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Well, yesterday was a truly miserable day, and I felt worse than I have in ages, on the verge of tears for most of the day, but maybe I'm beginning to feel better now.

I'm writing this mainly to make a new latest post, and because I feel I should write one of these every week, but I'm not sure what to say...

I've been working on Miasmon all week, and progress is coming along smoothly. I can't actually remember what exactly I did, though! I think it was mostly adding event things, bits of plot dialogue... Most of the events are done now, by which I mean added to the game; I wrote them all - or at least plans of what would be said, if not every word - ages ago.
The areas that they'll happen in already exist too; I made all the areas before the plot events, which isn't what I normally do. With MARDEK, I added plot events to areas as they were added, and... well, it works better this way, not that way. Yes.

I'm hoping that they game might be ready for beta testing in, uh... let's say 'less than a month', since that's vaguer than 'two weeks' or something. I'm not making any promises though; it's just a hope.

One of the most annoying things that I still need to do is battle music! I keep starting different attempts, but none of them seem right, so I scrap them... I've been trying for weeks though. All the rest of the music is done, at least. I'm sure inspiration will come to me eventually, as it always does.

Hmm... I'm trying to think of something else to say that would be actually worth commenting about for people who want to leave comments... All I can really imagine people saying about what I've written already is 'keep up the good work' or 'that's good' or unwanted and un-asked-for advice about how to get inspiration or something like that.

Maybe I should comment a bit about the last post, the one about my birthday. Hmm.

I do appreciate that people on this site - or at least most of them - would wish me well... But people so often give unwanted advice, too, and of course there are always a few bad eggs who need to attack me, which happened no less than three times yesterday in comments and the chatroom. As a result, all the positive comments were like water off a duck's back, but those cruel and aggressive ones really stick and hurt because I'm very sensitive.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for the well-wishing that a lot of people did give, and it is good to know that people are willing to support me, and care about me... but I suppose it can't really compare to real, in-person friends of a similar age range to myself. It's very difficult to explain to someone who's not been in this position themselves, who doesn't have friends but who does have well-wishers...

I'm sending mixed messages, but what I basically want to say is thank you, but... I just wish I were an easier person to cheer up, or something. I think that running this site for years has made me bitter and jaded, what with all the trolls and aggressive people who've seen the need to attack me over the years, each of them permanently chipping a part of my innocence and happiness away. I hate trolls and wish that all people had hearts enough to never behave that way. I hate aggressive people who talk down to others rather than trying to understand them, getting angry at them being 'wimps' and/or trying to 'assert dominance' all the time, talking roughly and with an air of arrogance that suggests they'll argue rather than apologise if this is pointed out.

'Take a break from the site' is the obvious advice/order that people might give at this point, and maybe I will... but the reason I come here so often is because I have nobody else to talk to and nowhere else to go. I am working on that, however.