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Posts relating to Personal:

5 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Yes, this is one of those Weekly Updates that I write every week without fail, weekly. Indeed.

Anyway, you may be relieved to hear that I'm finally making good progress on Miasmon again!1 Hooray and so on.

I've been wanting to rewrite the plot for a while, and was struggling with it due to general lack of motivation and life distractions... I'd written a new plot idea, but was reluctant to start working on adding it to the actual game until I'd planned every event for all three chapters in detail, which was proving tedious and irritating.
I've only planned chapter 1 at the moment, but I have a vague idea of what will happen in the other two chapters, and I'll write their plots in more detail when I get around to making them.

It is annoying, writing plots for games, because, well, coming up with the 'big picture' is easy, at least for me - something like "you are archaeologists trying to discover what fractured Fracture; your character comes from an off-world colony to join the Daring Delvers; along the way, X and Y happen and your characters learn Z - but the difficulty comes in converting it into little steps, individual events, excuses to go into dungeons, that kind of thing. Choosing the exact words that will be used, choreographing each 'cutscene' thing... It's things like that that delay me.

But I'm getting there now! It shouldn't take all that long, I hope, to reach the end, now, and I'm glad that I did this 'rewrite' because the plot is certainly better off for it.

I've also been adding new monsters to the game in the delay, so that's a good thing too, as it'll give people more to play around with.

On a personal note - which might make some of you "I'm just here for your games" people groan and throw your monitor at the wall - I mentioned going to an art course thing a while ago. Annoyingly, I'm no longer going to that; I dropped out after basically the first class. The reason for this was that I didn't fit in; all the others in the group were middle-aged or older women who had no art skills. So much for finding friends.
At least it'll give me more time for game development. Oh joy.

Now I'm still struggling with loneliness; I just hope that it doesn't get in the way of my game development too much.

(Hmm, I should add a request thing at the bottom of all my posts saying "giving me advice or trying to come up with 'solutions' to my problems is no way to help me"... says I, in anticipation.)

Another thing is that I'm thinking about doing something with Fig Hunter in the coming weeks. Miasmon is my priority now, so I won't be doing it just yet, but this site is toxic to me - something I've made clear before - and that's just not right. The home that I built for myself online shouldn't be a place that I'm scared to visit.

I very much dislike the judgemental, 'thinky', pretentious atmosphere that the place has. Most of it is my own fault; I did include all these systems like orbs, blurbs, FLIGS, etc, in order to encourage positive contributions and discourage negative ones, but they likely scare away the sensitive types that I'm eager to meet while giving the sorts of people I don't like a reason to feel superior to others or to be hurtful, and things like that. It's essentially a system based around 'constructive criticism', which I hate.
I'm also not fond of the dank and dismal 'basement' feeling that the colours here give.

If I were to remake things... I'd probably use brighter shades of the same colours (that is, a brown which is more like aged paper rather than this deep chocolate sort of thing, and purples that match), and I'd get rid of many of the things like orbs, blurbs, FLIGS... and I'd replace them with systems that encourage, but don't discourage. For example, a system like FLIGS, but with only positives, and an option to mark comments as 'abusive', which would serve as the negative version... or something.

I haven't got anything planned in detail, so please don't ask me about things as if I have. At the moment, it's just a vague, wispy desire for change, to make this place more accommodating for my own sensitive, feely nature and others like me.

I imagine that the demographics and general attitude wouldn't change drastically if I were to make these changes since most gamers are young males... but I do know from first-hand experience that two gentle girls that I admire for their personalities have told me that they don't like posting here because of how it feels, how it works, etc, so I do know that the site as it is now is scaring away the sorts of people I'd most like to meet.

I want the site to be a nice place to visit once I've released Miasmon, so maybe I'll try making at least *some* of these changes between now and then. I don't know.

It wouldn't surprise me to hear that some people would be resistant to this, and prefer things the way they are, but what are they going to do, argue with me that this place should be more like they want and less like I want?

I feel like the site as it is represents and appeals to a stage of my life that I've grown out of now... and like I need to change it to really develop further.
5 years ago

Flitting around

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Art Personal
I've been very much neglecting my game development work recently; sorry about that. It's because I rather lack direction with my life at the moment, or rather the direction I was heading in was lonely and unsatisfying, and the hole in my heart ached so I tried to do something about it.

I mentioned applying for a part-time art course thing, and I did go... but I don't think it's for me, so I'll probably drop out.
I say this because I went there to hopefully make friends and to improve the graphics for my games, but all the art sounds like stuff that'd be of little use to me ('art gallery' art rather than 'art assets'; focused more on 'being unique' than 'developing technical skill'), and of all nine students in the class, I was by far the youngest and, if I say so myself, the most skilled. The others seemed to be middle-aged and above housewives and such who had no real artistic skill or experience, but wanted to develop some. I had nothing at all against them - they seemed like nice people and I was able to talk to them in an amicable way - but I'm not likely to be making any friends by staying there. A shame.

It's left me without direction... but my interest in art has been rekindled and I've been focusing on that lately, determined to improve my skills by myself by focusing intensely on improvement and learning. I've been drawing wolves.

Here's a wolf that I have drawn, or wolf-like thing anyway:

It is a lupine soul golem. You know... one of those. I'm sure you understand. Everyone has one nowadays, don't they? Yes, I thought so. No explanation necessary. Of course.

I'm aiming to get back to Miasmon 'any day now!!1' since I really do want and need to, but I suppose I'm still recovering from the schedule deviating I've been doing recently, trying to get back into my old routine and my productive states of mind and such.

So yes. Explanations.

On another, not necessarily related note which is nevertheless relevant to things I've said here in the past, I was exploring a forum about personality types recently, specifically the MBTI section, and found this quote in a thread called "You know you're a Feeler when...":

When you have to explain to your T friends over and over that people who are venting or verbally processing do not need or want solutions from you, instead they want you to empathize with them.

6 years ago

I am sorry.

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: Personal
Well, I've had enough. I've got so many messages over the last few days. Many of them are arguments, attacks, telling me I'm wrong, or whatever else... which hurts, drains my energy, gives me headaches and generally just makes me want to run away, but for some reason I keep checking these messages anyway. There are some I've not read at all out of fear, but I've read 'many' of them.

I have however realised that I've been inadvertently offending people that I never meant to hurt, and it makes me feel terrible...

While many people have taken the opportunity of my recent heart-baring to give me gut punches, either 'for my own good' or simply to assert their egos (I don't know), others have stood by me, been supportive, been understanding of where I am coming from, and I've not been properly appreciative of that.
One of my biggest faults is being consumed by negativity when I'm hurt, and taking for granted any positivity that's added to the mix without giving it the attention that it deserves...

However, it is uplifting to hear people defend me, to show genuine respect for my wishes, or even just to feel the same stress that I feel about certain comments rather than just telling me I'm being unreasonable.

I really do want to thank all of you that fall into that category, and I also want to apologise for not being more appreciative of it! If it weren't for you, I would not be able to go on, and I would have closed this site and given up making games ages ago. Probably.
It is so very nice to be understood... That's really all that crave, above everything else.

Anyway, I have been offending people without meaning to, and I'm sorry for that too. "Males" and "Thinky people" were the unfortunate victims this time around...

I don't dislike people simply because they are male... It's just that, as I tried to explain recently, I haven't really known many girls, and I wish that I knew more of them... But most of my interactions all my life have been with males, and over time it wears me down.
To be frank, sexual frustration is a huge part of it. I am 24 now, getting older every day, and I worry for my future. Befriending males seems like... training a Pokemon that can never evolve, or something. Unsatisfying, like it'd lead to a dead end... It's unfair of me to think this way, and I know and appreciate that many males here mean well and wish me to be happy... I'm sorry that I can be so cold in response.

Relationships of any form - be they friendships or more - are mentally taxing for me, and I try to spend my social energy very selectively so then I don't get too drained...

I didn't mean to offend all the men here... I'm just so lonely, and it can make me frustrated at times. I hoped to attract more girls here, hoping to hear what they thought rather than what they 'probably think' based on the experiences of not-girls, but I suppose I expressed that in a crude and hurtful manner.

I haven't yet actually read most of the comments on that Girls post thing... so I didn't mean to suggest that most of them bothered me. People saying "I know how that is" would be reassuring, if anything, but I read a small number of really truly nasty comments and stopped reading the rest out of fear. I'm sorry to have implied that I thought badly of all the comments there because of the words of a minority.

I also may have implied that Thinky people are misogynists! o_O
That's certainly not something that I meant to say, and it's only through clumsy talking that I suggested it.
The people I knew in school were probably Thinkers, looking back... and as such we never really saw eye to eye. We approached the world from such different standpoints. I had many problems with them which had this as the core, which I could write about at great length, but the gist of it would be that they were T while I am F. I didn't understand that back then, but I do now. There are surely other factors too, and it wasn't entirely that, but it'd be getting bogged down in details to go on about it.

They were also misogynistic, but these two things weren't exactly directly linked. That was probably just because they weren't very nice people. There were nerdy rather than those sorts of arm-punching swaggery types, but I think we were all probably detached from the opposite sex in teenagery ways, and they saw girls as pornstars and I saw them as goddesses... or something. I don't know.

Anyway, there are many good people on this site, and I'm very sorry that I keep offending people just because a minority keep on hurting me... D:
It isn't fair to talk about a group based on the traits of only a few members... and I have no problem with most of you. I appreciate many of your comments, and wouldn't bother to write anything at all if not for them!
It's just a small but vocal few who really get me down, then in an emotional state I go and make things worse for everyone else. It is not nice.

I'm no orator... All I try to do in these blog posts is express my raw thoughts and feelings, so I'm sorry if my 'arguments' appear 'weak' or 'fallacious' or whatever else. I am not trying to convince people over to a certain idea... I'm just explaining why I act the way that I do.

I rarely go out of my house and I am in a hard position in life, with various real life troubles bogging me down... I suppose I built a home online as an escape from reality, but when even this place gets too much and I have nowhere else to run, I suppose my only way of coping is to try begging people to stop, via explanations and so on.

I'm rambling, though. The main thing that I wanted to say here is that I'm sorry that I'm not appreciative enough of what I do have, and I'm sorry for tarring everyone with the same brush just because of repeated bad experiences from a minority.

I suppose I should get back to focusing on games...