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Posts relating to Ranting :

6 years ago


◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: PersonalRanting
I have not worked on Miasmon this week, largely due to emotional distress preventing me from writing a new version of the plot, which is what I need to do next. I'd hope that having this week long 'break' will energise me for next week, but even if it doesn't, I'll try and get something done through the mental constipation anyway since I can't afford to delay anymore. It's been taking long enough as it is.

I want to spend the rest of this post talking about another personal matter though. Again, it's something that those of you who know me on some level are probably already familiar with, but many readers might not be.

I have never really had female friends... but this isn't by choice or desire. When I was in school, all my friends were male, because those just happened to be the groups I ended up in. I never sought out friends, and instead was always assimilated into groups... Well, I say 'always', but it only happened twice in my whole life. Once in school in the UK, then again in Australia.
Both of these groups were small, close-knit and nerdy; I suppose we were the kinds of people that the more popular students didn't want anything to do with. I didn't have any acquaintances outside this group, and never knew that life of parties and dating and other social gatherings that a lot of people seem to experience in their teens. The other guys in my group never had girlfriends until the end of school either.

I never felt at ease in these groups... Due to what I now realise is my INFJ nature, I felt like I was on a different wavelength to these most likely Thinky males, who were into technical analysis, mathematics, First Person Shooters and general misogynistic machismo (including rating passing girls out of 10 based on their looks, and making comments about how putting a bag over a girl's ugly face while having sex with her sexy body would be a funny and okay thing to do, ugh).
I was quiet but opinionated, and spent much of my time longing for love. Not lust; love... I craved a deep bond with a person of the fairer sex, I strongly desired to find a gentle confidant who'd support me and who I could support in turn. The idea of spending all our time together, just me and her, was a constant fantasy in my mind. I dreamed of someone clingy, who I'd cling to too.

I had zero confidence though and never spoke to any girls. The only interaction I had with female peers was when some would patronisingly ask me what I 'thought of Australia', since I was the resident foreigner and for some reason they cared about that kind of thing, or were trying to be polite in what sounded like they were talking to a retard or a child rather than an equal.

Instead, I found myself eyeing girls from afar... Not in a 'lookit dat ass on dat one, unf' kind of way, or anything. Instead, during my whole time at school, I fancied three girls - not all at the same time! - and would go to school hoping I'd just get a fleeting glance at them, or that some kind of situation would come up where we'd get to talk without me having to actually make a move (though I think that the idea of 'making a move' didn't even occur to me).
I enjoyed seeing them, in a wistful kind of way, but interestingly, I don't remember what their bodies looked like; we all had to wear fairly frumpy uniforms (which I actually enjoyed because it meant there were no fashion trends and people wouldn't judge others on how they dressed), so it's not like I was ogling their curves in a sexual kind of way. It was more the way that they held themselves, the way they moved, their general quietness and stuff like that... They were pale and shy and I liked that because I felt I could relate to it.

Often I think that if I could change back time, I'd love to at least talk to one of them even once... But no, all of school passed and I never exchanged a word with any of them.
It's pathetic, really, as I'm sure some lout will eagerly point out in the comments in the forceful kind of way that I complained about last time.

I didn't even want a girlfriend, necessarily. While that would have been wonderful, mainly I just wanted to talk and bond with Feely, emotional, gentle people rather than Thinky, competitive, argumentative males... I admired typical female traits and still do, while I find male traits like 'strength' and 'power' and aggression, competition, bragging, boasting, fighting, misogyny, chauvinism, etc, etc to be repugnant.

I am one of those typical Nice Guys though... Whenever I see stereotyped behaviour portrayed in the media, where some guy's wife is nagging him for watching The Game and not paying attention to her, while he complains to The Guys about how his wife FORCED him to sit through a Romance Movie with her, I think 'ugh, if I were with a girl, I'd enjoy bonding with her on an emotional level and would have no interest at all in these typical manly hobbies that seem to so annoy these stereotyped female characters'...
Usually though, it seems that girls go for guys like that anyway rather than the hapless Nice Guys, but I could rant about that bitterly forever and won't do so here.

I've said far more about this than I originally intended to, but the point I was meaning to get to is... I have no friends at the moment, but I've had male friends all my life... I don't want male friends at the moment; I talk to guys enough here to fill that need. I mean, I appreciate that guys do offer to get to know me on a more personal level... but I just don't have the social energy to spend on such relationships at this time, and they wouldn't be satisfying a specific need that I have. When I crave chocolate and am offered cheese, my desire is not sated.
However, I would like to find female friends... but I never go anywhere and I spend all my time online, mainly on this site, and they are a rare animal here.

This site probably has a very masculine atmosphere. It's surely mostly my fault, with the rules that I've set up, and the dingy 'basement' feel of the colours that probably feels uninviting to girls.
The fact that mostly males play Flash games is surely the MAIN factor, but I've been told by some girls before that this environment scares them away, partly because of the attitudes, but also because of the fact that most people here are male, and they wouldn't fit in.
This really bothers me, because things about the site that I already dislike are also scaring away an audience that I really wish that I could be more welcoming to...

I'd like to eventually make a game with a female protagonist, a game that isn't all masculine like most games are... My main worry would be that I lack the experience with girls to understand them well enough to write such a story from a female perspective... but anyway, I digress!

I wonder how many girls read the posts on this site but don't make accounts. That's the main thing that I wrote this post to wonder aloud about. I wonder how many shy, nerdy girls - the exact sort I wish I could meet - secretly and quietly keep track of my progress and eagerly await my games, or even find my personality interesting...
I'm probably deluding myself into thinking that there are any at all, but I suppose I'm just so lonely.

I wish that the 'fame' that I've managed to acquire by making games could draw to me the sort of attention that I crave... but it doesn't. I don't recall having any 'fangirls' at all. Oh well. Plenty of young fanboys though. What joy.

I wonder if any of those hiding girls would make accounts just to say something here?

Even if they wouldn't, something that I'm curious about is what the females who DO have accounts here think of this site's overall feeling, about their place in it, and things like that. I am really curious about this... and would love it if you'd be open about your feelings; you could PM me if you're scared of saying things out loud for everyone to read and judge.
I'd even be interested in hearing if there could be any changes that would make this site more inviting and appealing to you... BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE FEMALE. I do NOT want to hear guys suggesting things that they think girls would like.

I repeat, I do NOT want to hear guys suggesting things that they think girls would like. I only want to hear from girls themselves on the matter, since their thoughts and views are more important to me here.

Some of you may have been reading this post and wondering where M  Firequill comes into play in all this... I'll just say that I really don't want to talk about that right now, but that I am lonely. Please don't bring it up. 'It's complicated'.

Anyway, yes, I'm very, very curious to hear what any female human beings who view this site think of it... and whether they feel comfortable here.

...I'm not interested though in hearing teenage boys telling me that there are 'no girls on the internet' and the kind of obvious reasons why there are no girls here.
Also, "I have tons of female friends, and they're not all that great" kinds of comments are as much of a joy to read as it would be for a beggar to hear a prince complaining about the tardiness of his servants, or a starving man hearing someone complain that his massive meal tasted a bit funny.

Hmm, another thing... I myself would never dare to approach someone that I admired... Even other games developers who I liked would seem so out of reach to me, like I'd never be able to compare to them, or I'd only be a bother by intruding into their lives. They must get loads of interesting people contacting them all the time anyway; I'd just be another raindrop in the storm, so it's best to avoid it entirely and watch from afar...

I imagine that the sort of girls I'd be most interested in getting to know would feel like that about me, would keep their distance so as not to be a bother or because they feel they were not worth my attention or something. I like people like that, moreso than those who brag and boast and barge their way in, demanding attention because they feel they're amazing.

So if you feel like that and can relate to the things I say in this blog, then, well, I know how it is! And I am actually interested in hearing from you.
6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Whoops, I meant to write this yesterday, but then... didn't. Oh well.

I *tried* to work on Chamaeleon this last week... but it wasn't going well. I've been rather emotionally tense and distressed and needy and things recently, due to lovely Life Issues™ and wondering about the place I am with things at the moment, and it's hard to just do work as normal because of it. Those of you who have or have had Depression may understand how debilitating that can be. (I wouldn't go so far as to say I have that myself, but I have been feeling very emotionally 'distracted'.)

It's largely because I lack any kind of real friends, which I've gone over many times before in these blog post things. I know that this site is full of people who'd love to be nice and supportive, but... while that's all nice and good, it's not really filling the hole that I have, or something. Like how you'd feel if you really wanted, say, a PS4, but were bought a... book... instead. I don't know! Maybe you'd appreciate having anything at all, but it's not the same because it's not really what you are looking for.

I say that since, as I've also said before, I'm interested in people around my own age who I can really *relate* to, and preferably not males just because I'm so completely sick of knowing essentially only males my whole life or something... Again, it's like being bought a book if you already have your own personal library, but wonder what video games are like and have little experience with them. Getting more books won't fill that longing. Yes. A totally perfect analogy, that. Totally.

I'm not just sitting around complaining about it though. I've actually been working on another project that may hopefully bring me closer to receiving some kind of emotional fulfilment, maybe, perhaps. Or it might just be a waste of time. I don't know.

I'm making another website - which, I should stress first and foremost, will exist *alongside* this one rather than *instead of* it; I'm not abandoning Fig Hunter - which will be more socially oriented, in a way, but aimed at a rather specific audience.

I am introverted and shy and lonely and all that, and places like Facebook bother me because they seem so *extroverted*... People are constantly going on about the social lives that they have, making 'status updates' about their promiscuous antics or what concerts or parties they went to or whatever (maybe; I am making wild assumptions here based on lack of experience with that site), and if you don't have A Life, then it's easy to feel left out and like you don't belong there.

I've also been to places like dating sites before (while not even necessarily single or Looking or whatever; just out of some curiosity about those sites that claimed to find matches based on your personality), and it seems that everyone there claims to be 'bubbly' and 'laid-back' and 'easy-going' and 'fun-loving' and things like that. The same on 'find friends!' sites, too.
Many of them probably *aren't*, but they feel they have to say they are because introversion is regarded as a handicap, while extroversion is seen as a positive set of traits that everyone must at least pretend to have...

So I want to make a site specifically aimed at introverted, lonely people who don't have many or any friends, and who are looking to find like minds, just for online conversations if nothing else. It'd say that there was nothing wrong with introversion, and encourage people to be open about those traits of theirs rather than hiding them and putting on a 'fun-loving bubbly laid-back' mask to appease others and fit society's expectations.
I have this longing for a place like that and have yet to find one, so maybe others are like me and would appreciate such a place.

It won't be for everyone. I'd also very much like to attract an older audience than there is here - it's not a site for young teenagers - and I'd hope to get more of a gender balance too (rather than 90% male).
If the site's not about an interest like Flash games, then maybe this will be not entirely infeasible, but I don't know, maybe most lonely people are male because females find it easier to find others, I don't know. I can but wait and see.

I'm also hesitant to even mention it as an *idea* in its early stages here, because the whole reason I'm making it is to have a community that *isn't* Fig Hunter. There's nothing wrong with most of you (I say 'most' because I can't help but think of the trolls who seem to be constantly causing me pain... >_>) as people or anything, and I don't mean to suggest that there is, but a community of mostly 'teenage boys' isn't really what I'm after at the moment... I mean, there are some things I do get out of this community, and I appreciate it for that, but like I said... books and PS4s and stuff. Yes. That.

But I fear that people from Fig Hunter will just move over and join this introvert site whether they fit the requirements at all, so I'll get a bunch of people who aren't even lonely or introverted, all young males, just following me because it's a site that I made, and the whole thing will be pointless and stressful and months of planning will go down the drain as I end up with two Fig Hunters full of trolls and young males to manage...

Anyway, I can understand that it can't be pleasant for the, uh, teenage males, or extroverts, to be hearing that I'm looking for a place where you aren't... I'm truly sorry if this causes offence, and again I want to point out that I don't think there's anything wrong with you, or that I feel you're not 'good enough for me' or things like that.
It's just that all my life, I've been surrounded by young males, 'gamer' types, and like someone who grew up in a library and never played a video game, I am curious about these other things I've missed out on rather than just... getting more books. Yes. I keep using that silly, poor analogy! There's nothing wrong with books though. I've just grown tired of them... Of books. Yes. Right.

So yes... I spent months planning this other site, but have started work on it now. It's still in its early stages, but when it's done, I don't know if I'll publicly announce it because I DON'T want everyone from here pouring over there. I have other ways of attracting people in mind, though.
I was originally intending to keep it a secret, in fact, but people will find out anyway so I might as well mention all this here now.

It may be that some of you would feel a place like that would meet your own needs - if you too are lonely and introverted and crave to find like minds - in which case, as long as you're older than around, say, 16, then maybe it'd be okay if you joined, when it was ready... It's not like I don't want ANYONE from here to join. Just not people who aren't who the site's designed for, joining because it's a site by me rather than because they are lonely introverts.

I'll probably spend this week working on that site too, rather than games - sorry - because I feel I really do need to finish it to at least have a hope of happiness to keep me going.

Now, I wonder how many
- people will offer me advice I never asked for
- extroverts will get annoyed at me, or tell me how I should be friends with extroverts
- people here will get offended at what I've just said
- people will criticise me for doing this or thinking the way that I do
- people will tell me to 'get over it' or 'deal with it' or 'stop being picky', etc.

And, of course, I wonder how much I'll regret writing this at all, since the faceless crowds and demented trolls of the internet can be so harsh, sigh.
6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
It is Sunday so here is a Weekly Update that I am writing I hope you find it useful!!11!11

Yes. Well, uh, I've got work done on Miasmon this week! Which is good. I've been making areas. The first chapter won't be very long; it's basically a town, a route, and two dungeons, and I've now done the town, route, and one of the dungeons. There aren't any plot events in them yet, or NPCs or anything; I've decided to sort of make the 'skeleton' of the game first - the empty areas and the transitions between them - then add stuff to them after they're all done, which isn't what I usually do, so I might find out it's better to do things this way.

Excitingly though, I have now composed three pieces of music for Miasmon! One yesterday, and then two today; I've spent basically all day today composing. It feels good, because it's been ages since I successfully composed anything, and struggling with the music for this game has been really putting me off working on it.
I can probably finish the entire soundtrack in a week if I put my mind to it, so I'm hoping to do that next week. It'll make the whole game feel 'almost complete' if I can achieve that... even though there's still quite a bit left to do. Mainly stuff like the visual and sound effects for skills, and several monsters which haven't been drawn yet, as well as some other boring technical things.

Oh, all the engine stuff is done, though; it was done a while ago. Now I'm just having to make the content.

On a personal note, I may or may not be going to some kind of 'confidence-building class' tomorrow, which says a lot about me, I suppose... As does the fact that I'm scared of it and may not even end up having the confidence to go. o_O

It would be interesting to meet people there so then I might have some in-person friends finally, but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Maybe it'll just be attended by a bunch of housewives and old men with Asperger's or something, I don't have a clue.

But why am I mentioning it here?

In my last blog post, about Miasmon, I included a bit about how I didn't want to receive advice, and that I'm actually able to come up with things without relying on the amazing spontaneous wisdom of teenagers from the internet, or something like that.
Actually, it was a lot milder than that, and I seem to be exaggerating here for some reason.

Someone contacted me saying that it was offensive, that bit, and I wonder if anyone else got that impression.

Apparently it came across as me suggesting I'm superior and that my own wisdom is better than other peoples' or something like that, which isn't what I meant at all.
What I meant is that I get some really banal 'advice' or 'suggestions' sometimes that are unintentionally patronising because they implicitly say that I can't come up with the most obvious of things myself.

For example, I've had 'suggestions' before like 'in MARDEK 3, you should include more weapons than in MARDEK 2'.
I feel irritated when I read things like that, because, well, did the person think I wouldn't do that unless he chipped in and offered his sagely wisdom?
I know people like that are just trying to help, but after being on the receiving end of such patronisingly obvious suggestions or advice for years now, I'm really bitter about it and less tolerant than I should be. It's why I write things like this, and another recent post, to explain how I don't really like advice.

I just want to make it clear that I don't think I'm better than anyone, and I'm sure that many of you really do have wonderful ideas... But often with my own projects, making decisions requires knowledge of details I can't reveal, so suggestions for what I should do are usually for really obvious things, or they're incompatible with what I want to do, or what I'm able to do.

I just don't like having to say 'no' all the time, and it's not possible to say 'yes' to everyone.

I get advice about my personal life, too, from people who don't understand how Social Anxiety works... which is difficult to deal with, hmm.

Anyway, I'm glad to be making progress on Miasmon again! I'm hoping to have it done soon... but I've probably been saying that for months.