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Posts relating to Progress Reports:

6 years ago

Weekly Update

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
It is Sunday so here is a Weekly Update that I am writing I hope you find it useful!!11!11

Yes. Well, uh, I've got work done on Miasmon this week! Which is good. I've been making areas. The first chapter won't be very long; it's basically a town, a route, and two dungeons, and I've now done the town, route, and one of the dungeons. There aren't any plot events in them yet, or NPCs or anything; I've decided to sort of make the 'skeleton' of the game first - the empty areas and the transitions between them - then add stuff to them after they're all done, which isn't what I usually do, so I might find out it's better to do things this way.

Excitingly though, I have now composed three pieces of music for Miasmon! One yesterday, and then two today; I've spent basically all day today composing. It feels good, because it's been ages since I successfully composed anything, and struggling with the music for this game has been really putting me off working on it.
I can probably finish the entire soundtrack in a week if I put my mind to it, so I'm hoping to do that next week. It'll make the whole game feel 'almost complete' if I can achieve that... even though there's still quite a bit left to do. Mainly stuff like the visual and sound effects for skills, and several monsters which haven't been drawn yet, as well as some other boring technical things.

Oh, all the engine stuff is done, though; it was done a while ago. Now I'm just having to make the content.

On a personal note, I may or may not be going to some kind of 'confidence-building class' tomorrow, which says a lot about me, I suppose... As does the fact that I'm scared of it and may not even end up having the confidence to go. o_O

It would be interesting to meet people there so then I might have some in-person friends finally, but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. Maybe it'll just be attended by a bunch of housewives and old men with Asperger's or something, I don't have a clue.

But why am I mentioning it here?

In my last blog post, about Miasmon, I included a bit about how I didn't want to receive advice, and that I'm actually able to come up with things without relying on the amazing spontaneous wisdom of teenagers from the internet, or something like that.
Actually, it was a lot milder than that, and I seem to be exaggerating here for some reason.

Someone contacted me saying that it was offensive, that bit, and I wonder if anyone else got that impression.

Apparently it came across as me suggesting I'm superior and that my own wisdom is better than other peoples' or something like that, which isn't what I meant at all.
What I meant is that I get some really banal 'advice' or 'suggestions' sometimes that are unintentionally patronising because they implicitly say that I can't come up with the most obvious of things myself.

For example, I've had 'suggestions' before like 'in MARDEK 3, you should include more weapons than in MARDEK 2'.
I feel irritated when I read things like that, because, well, did the person think I wouldn't do that unless he chipped in and offered his sagely wisdom?
I know people like that are just trying to help, but after being on the receiving end of such patronisingly obvious suggestions or advice for years now, I'm really bitter about it and less tolerant than I should be. It's why I write things like this, and another recent post, to explain how I don't really like advice.

I just want to make it clear that I don't think I'm better than anyone, and I'm sure that many of you really do have wonderful ideas... But often with my own projects, making decisions requires knowledge of details I can't reveal, so suggestions for what I should do are usually for really obvious things, or they're incompatible with what I want to do, or what I'm able to do.

I just don't like having to say 'no' all the time, and it's not possible to say 'yes' to everyone.

I get advice about my personal life, too, from people who don't understand how Social Anxiety works... which is difficult to deal with, hmm.

Anyway, I'm glad to be making progress on Miasmon again! I'm hoping to have it done soon... but I've probably been saying that for months.
6 years ago

What am I doing?!

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
Categories: PlansProgress Reports
Hello there. Christmas is over now, and this makes me glad; I'd been tense and anxious about it for a while, so I suppose that now that that's gone, I can start trying to relax again. Trying!

I haven't actually make any progress on Miasmon for the last week, or maybe two weeks? I can't remember. It's because of the time of year; I just haven't felt 'stable' enough to concentrate on getting work done.
I'm going to continue not working on it until after the new year, in order to calm down; I still feel a bit shaken, and feel I need a break in order to get things back on track again. My sleeping times are also drifting further and further away from where I want them to be, so I feel I need to correct that before getting back to work.

I've not drawn another Miasmon Bestiary Entry for the same reasons, but I have been drawing at all, and intend to get back to that soon! The next one I have to draw is rather boring though, and not easy to draw, which has been sort of putting me off.

Anyway, yes, I just wanted to say that I'm still alive, and I'll get back to being your game slave soon, but for now I'm having some time off. Yes. Good.
6 years ago

About Advice...

◊ Posted by A β Pseudolonewolf
I've been meaning to be more open about my progress and stuff, but lately it's been rather difficult for me. I've been really ill, for one thing, and emotionally distressed by real life issues, personal stuff, so I've been neglecting the site and Miasmon, sort of. I'm better now though... Not fully recovered, but better.

I've still actually been working on Miasmon every week day for several hours; it's just that I've been doing less than I'd prefer, though a lot of that is probably because I'm at the point now where all the exciting parts have been done, but many tedious things remain. All the stuff I've been putting off due to lack of desire to do it now needs to be done.

I've been drawing new monster sprites for the game every day, but haven't done any more drawings since the Worker one; I'll try to get back to that soon, now that I'm feeling better...

Well, I say I'm feeling better, and I have been, but at this exact moment I feel sort of sick just by being here at this site, looking through my messages and seeing all the many things that still need to be done, or looking at my profile and seeing recent negative blurbs given for reasons that bother me...

Anyone who gets negative blurbs has to endure them without doing much about it, but since I can, I want to say something about the ones I have got. It's likely that some members who take pride in things like strength and maturity would think less of me for talking/complaining about such things openly at all - just ignore them, I bet they'd say - but they represent views that I've seen aimed at me a lot and I want to explain.

I 'don't let people help me', apparently, or see advice as personal affronts or something like that.

Sometimes I talk about my problems here, since I have no friends and don't really have anywhere else to go. But when I do talk about such things, it's for the sake of getting them off my chest; letting things out in itself is cathartic.

But then people respond by giving advice that I never asked for.

I understand that the people who give the advice do it to try to help, so I know they're not exactly doing anything wrong, but it's hard for me because I end up getting dozens of people all giving me 'advice' which I never asked for, and which I often regard as patronising, especially if it's like some 14-year-old giving me life tips or something like that, or people giving really obvious suggestions with the implication that I'm too dim to have thought of the obvious myself, and needed their wisdom to see the light. Or maybe they just speak as if giving me 'permission' to, say, take a break, as if they personally have that level of authority over me.
I'd never think that they intend to be patronising, or think of what they say that way, but that's how it comes across to me as the recipient.

I'm in a position that a lot of you can't really relate to... You may have friends or relatives around you, who know you, and who offer you occasional advice, even if you didn't ask for it, and you might well receive it with a smile and expect me to do the same. But getting advice from peers is very different to getting advice (which, again, was not asked for) from hordes of strangers who don't really know how you think or what you like.
I mean, it only bothers me because of sheer /volume/; at first, I thought yes, okay, people are just trying to help, but it's got more and more stressful receiving such responses over the years due to repeated exposure; it's left me jaded or something, and I'd bet that anyone would get gradually less and less polite and tolerant of things they never liked in the first place repeated again and again at them...

I don't want to hurt or offend anyone by saying any of this; nobody is doing anything intentionally wrong, and none of you are at fault.I just want to explain why I seem so ungrateful, so aloof and cold, when I'm given advice or when people try to 'help me'.
From the point of view of the person trying to help, me ignoring them or turning them down is a lack of gratitude and civility, arrogance, dismissal, a personal affront. But from my perspective, I'm just feeling swamped and having to think about what to do with yet another 'helping hand' being offered, but I never know what to say so I tend to say nothing...
I'm unable to say polite, Customer Service type replies like 'thank you for your offer/suggestion, I will take it into consideration' because I'd rather be honest or say nothing.

Anyway, when people do offer help or advice, it's often more stressful than useful to me because my mind's so stupid and unusual and broken... People suggest things that work for them, but these things rarely work for me. For example, they might suggest I 'relax with a beer' (I'm a teetotaller), that I 'go and chill out with some friends' (I don't have any), that I 'go for a walk in the park to clear my head' (I have a social anxiety disorder which makes leaving my house a harrowing ordeal, and I know of no parks or anything like that).
If I wanted advice, I'd ask specifically, so then people could give meaningful feedback and they could be genuinely helpful. But when I don't ask for it, I generally don't want it and it adds to my stress rather than relieves it because now I have to worry about letting people down, or I feel frustrated by the thought of people not understanding me...

But what do I want? I just don't know anymore... which makes this whole thing rather ridiculous.
I suppose 'emotional support' is better than unwanted advice, seeing things as a problem or puzzle to solve rather than a human in need of emotional comfort...
There was a forum thread recently which talked about how men and women communicate differently, with women talking to vent and offering emotional support to others, and men talking to solve problems and offering solutions, seeing everything as a puzzle... Men and women both experience frustration when the opposite sex responds undesirably, like a man trying to meddle and brutally ignoring her feelings, or a woman not trying to actually help by solving his problem.
I'm a woman according to that sweeping generalisation; I get frustrated by trying to 'fix' my personal issues despite not even knowing me...
I wish there wasn't such a male majority on this site; maybe then the responses would be more mixed and I'd end up less frustrated, I don't know...

All I'm trying to do here though is explain why I might react the way I do (or not react at all) in response to things like offers of help; I'm not meaning to belittle or tell people off or anything like that. I just don't like people thinking ill of me, and want to increase understanding, to rationalise my behaviour.

Hmm, apparently writing this has been making me feel anxious, and giving me a headache; I can but imagine the response from people who want me to act a certain way and would be angered if I don't behave in that way...

Anyway, maybe I'll get around to doing some work on this site this weekend, though there's no guarantee.